Tag: parenting

If I Were the Dean of Discipline

CourtneyOSeptember 17, 2014Comments OffBlog

I have had children in the public school system for more years than I care to admit and in that time have witnessed a transfer of responsibility for success from the student to the parent. This transfer is becoming so apparent that even the notes home from school imply that the parents need to step-up their supervision in order to get positive results from their children. Professors at the college level are even reporting unprecedented amounts of parental interference and involvement where none existed in the past.

My hope for the future is that the schools will encourage parents to back away from this type of involvement in their children’s school work, and instead establish that it is the job of the child to do their work and not the job of the parent. If I were the Dean of Discipline at any high school, I would write the following letter to the parents of my students:

Dear Parents,
There is a new program called Infinite Campus that is set up to allow you to log on and track the academic progress of your children daily. You can check multiple times a day and know exactly what grades your children are receiving and whether or not they are turning in assignments. I would encourage you to ignore this software and instead sit down with your children and set high expectations for their school years. You should make it very clear that you have no intention of being a student any longer in the same way that you do not expect your children to take on the responsibility of parenting. You can encourage your children to log on if they want to track their own progress and their own grades, but what message are you really sending if you are logging on? Aren’t you telling your child that you don’t trust them to turn in their school work? Aren’t you sending the message that you don’t believe them when they tell you they have completed their homework? If you haven’t established this responsibility by now, what will you be accomplishing by confirming that your child doesn’t take school work seriously? Your time would be better spent taking parenting classes and spending quality time with your child where he can learn to respect you and learn to respect himself. If he can’t turn in his assignments, you should already have clear cut established consequences that would include taking his car, taking his phone, and taking away all of his extracurricular activities until he makes school the primary goal in his life. I can promise you that nothing will be gained from your daily nagging to do his work. Sadly, it may be too late to even help your child as these priorities should have been established years ago. Your child should have known from the start that his schoolwork was his responsibility and that you had no intention of doing it for him. Or making sure he turned it in. The teachers may act like they are fans of Infinite Campus, but I assure you, they are bigger fans of students that show up prepared, respectful and ready to learn. Speaking of being respectful, I will not waste my time explaining that there is a dress code at this school. If you have ever let your child leave the house dressed inappropriately, then shame on you. If you are buying clothes that don’t meet our dress code, you are a part of the problem, but your child should be responsible enough by this age that he would be unwilling to break our rules. In fact, he should be embarrassed to break the rules. In the end, your student should be well aware of the dress code and the ultimate blame will fall on him and there will be consequences. We will not be afraid to enforce them no matter how popular or athletic your child might be. We are even willing to lose the big football game on Friday night to make sure your son becomes a better man.

Sincerely,
The Dean of Discipline

Since I am not at Dean of Discipline, I can only dream of receiving a letter like this. Instead, I am bombarded with every tip imaginable to be taking charge of my children’s work. The reality in my house is quite a bit different. My children know that I have never logged on to Infinite Campus and if there ever comes a time when I feel like I need to, life as they know it will drastically change. This parenting style has worked perfectly for 14 years and I am certain it will continue to work until our last child graduates and becomes an independent and responsible adult.

Flunking the Rules of Civility

CourtneyOAugust 20, 2014Comments OffBlog

When I first started doing my radio show about two years ago, I had a panel of guests of various ages who discussed the Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior that George Washington had copied for a school assignment at the age of 16. The 110 rules were originally written by French Jesuits in 1595 and at their core really describe a life focused on other people rather than self-interests. How far we have come in 419 years, and it’s not a road well-traveled.

In the last 20 years, the emphasis in the schools, and now at home, has been on self-esteem and self-worth, and the value of learning to focus on others has slipped away. Teachers and parents alike are tip-toeing around kids and their unruly behaviors so that they don’t feel shamed by manners and discipline. Is it working? If we look around we see spoiled disrespectful brats in most restaurants, schools and on athletic teams. These kids wouldn’t lift a finger to help their parents without arguing about it first or proclaiming how unfair it is to have to help support the daily grind of operating a house. Parents are exhausted and overwhelmed by these children and know they have created monsters but don’t know what to do. If that is your household, then I would suggest establishing the rules of civility in your home.

The next time you all sit down to dinner (which needs to be quite often if you want to raise well adjusted adults), I encourage you to start reading from the following list and get your children to explain what these rules mean and how they intend to start implementing them in your home. These conversations can be useful for kids ages five on up and you will be surprised how much your kids want the structure that might be lacking in your home.

Here are some of my favorites from the Rules of Civility that can change your household and get your otherwise lazy and entitled children on the right path:

Rule 6 Speak not when others Speak, Sit not when others Stand, speak not when you should hold Peace, walk not on when others stop.

Ask your children what this means to them. This is a rule about showing respect and using manners. There is no shame in either of those characteristics. Have each of your children tell you one way they can practice this rule starting today that will make a difference in your home. Suggest to them that this rule means that all electronics are to be turned off when the family is eating together (and that includes yours as well!).

Rule 40 Strive not with your Superiors in Argument, but always Submit your Judgment to Others with Modesty.

Imagine a home where the teenagers actually consider that they don’t know it all and that they should be respectful when expressing their opinions. The tricky part about these rules is that we have to lead by example here so the adults have to follow them as well! Ask your children how they can get along better with everybody in the household by having them name one thing they can do differently each day.

Rule 52 In your Apparel be Modest and endeavor to accommodate Nature, rather than to procure Admiration. Keep to the Fashions of your equals Such as are Civil and orderly with respect to Times and Places.

Don’t we all long for a world where people dress appropriately and children are excited to look and act mature? I used to love getting dressed up to travel on an airplane when I was a child and miss that experience now. Ask your children to go an entire week without arguing with you about what they are wearing to school or out for an evening and show you that they understand modesty.

Rule 56 Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for tis better to be alone than in bad Company.

Encourage your children to list three qualities that they believe are important to have a successful life and ask them to name three friends that have the same qualities. Encourage them to develop these relationships with people that will encourage them to make good decisions.

These are just a handful of the 110 rules and as I read them all, it is frightening to think about how badly our society has strayed away from them. We can’t be afraid to go back to them and start encouraging respect, manners, courtesy and modesty in order to get our children on the right path. Today we are flunking the rules of civility but we don’t have to be. Start with one rule at a time and get your children involved in the discussion. Write down what is important to you as a person and as a family and set a goal of implementing one new rule each week. A family without respect will fail and a society without civility will crumble…. It is only just a matter of time.

I’d Rather Not Be Right

CourtneyOJuly 30, 2014Comments OffBlog

We were talking about the way that different people deal with conflict and she said “you have to choose to either be right or to be intimate.” The statement resonated with me as I looked at different aspects of my life.

I wasn’t raised in a world of right and wrong like so many people were. I hear people all of the time say things like “you are right, I was wrong,” and I never really understand it. We all bring different perspectives to the table and nobody is ever truly right or truly wrong. One of the hardest questions I have ever been asked in my life by a very intelligent friend was “what was your 50 percent responsibility to your divorce?” It’s not that I didn’t feel responsible for my divorce, but at the time I was angry and sad and it was easier to point fingers than look inside myself for that answer. Once I answered it in my own heart and mind, it allowed me to have a closer relationship than I would have otherwise with my ex-husband. I chose to be intimate instead of right.

I watch all of the political fighting going on in our world today and the same thing comes to mind. What if the two sides stopped focusing on being right, and instead focused on getting along and building their relationships? Not only would the politicians benefit from living this way, but the whole world would be a more functional place. Everyone is focused on which side is “right,” rather than forging intimate relationships for the good of all. The social media sites are full of people screaming at one another about why they are right rather than people seeking common ground to find solutions. It is happening right now in the Gaza Strip and clearly it is time to admit that nobody is going to agree on who is right but perhaps they should figure out how to stop the killing of innocent people.

I sat my kids down last week and asked them what this meant to them. Would they rather be right or have close relationships with one another? It stopped them all in their tracks. The last few days when a small argument has ensued, I have asked them if they want to be right or close rather than try to intervene and determine who is at fault. My daughters, all on their own, found a solution to sharing some shirts they both like to wear but had been arguing over for several months. My younger daughter, who would admit her stubbornness and feistiness, is now keeping all of the shirts in her sister’s room since she knows she can borrow them at any time. They chose to be close, rather than focus on who was right and who was wrong. No more fighting and everyone felt good, not right.

This little sentence is changing my entire perspective. I would always rather be close than be right. People that are right just end up right. They end up alone and isolated. I don’t know if they even feel good being “right” once they have established in their own minds that they are indeed “right.” The people that they have made feel “wrong” have a lost a pound of their flesh and a part of their soul because they realize they can’t be close to the “right” person.

I’d rather not be right. I choose intimate relationships where people can make mistakes and learn and grow and compromise. Try asking your kids if they would rather be right or close the next time a fight ensues. It might just change your life, and theirs as well.

Discipline REDEFINED: Why We’re Here

CourtneyOJune 23, 2012Comments OffBlog

Discipline REDEFINED (recently renamed Uncommon Sense) was created to provide logical and helpful solutions to parents that are interested in raising children that can and will contribute to their families, their schools, their communities, and their world.

We are excited to tackle difficult and simple issues that parents face every day and provide a forum where parents can discuss their failures and successes along the way. Parenting today is more complicated than it has ever been as we face the reality that our country has been devastated by a lack of responsibility and a lack of discipline. We can make a difference but it is going to take the work of all of us to undo the lack of discipline that we have allowed in our children. We have to be willing to eliminate the sense of entitlement that our children have and learn that saying “No” is an important part of life and of leadership.

We are here to stop the death of America. The rebirth we are all seeking begins in our homes which will ultimately spill out into individual classrooms, schools, the workplace, the community, and our country. We need to be reminded that children need to learn and feel the ups and downs that we will all have to deal with in life. We have been afraid to let our children fail or fall. We must grasp onto the lessons in life that will guide them – self-respect, healthy competition, shame and embarrassment, disappointment, patience, etiquette, and respect for leaders. Imagine what this will look like if we are willing to step back and correct the problems we have allowed to seep in to our own homes.

If you want to become a leader in your home and really enjoy rather than tolerate the people that your children are becoming, then you are in the right place. We look forward to hearing from you.