Month: August 2014

Adjusting to the Pain of Children Leaving the Nest

My first child was born when I was only 23 years old. I felt ready at the time and my knowledge of parenting was that babies were sweet and cuddly and just adorable. I even thought that pregnancy was a magical time in life with the baby kicking and everyone just getting excited about the upcoming birth. There would be cute baby clothes at showers thrown by family and friends, and the excitement of finding out if we were expecting a son or a daughter. All of these things held true to a point, but nobody really ever talked about the hard parts of pregnancy. The appearance of swollen feet and water retaining fingers was a surprise that ultimately resulted in my wedding band being cut from my finger. The appearance of bloody noses out of nowhere and the total discomfort as I got bigger were also a shock as I slowly lost the capacity to take any good deep breaths. I actually broke a toe on my right foot hitting a table during the first signs of labor that proved to be rather uncomfortable for the long days in the hospital that were about to follow.

I still remember writing the sweetest birthing plan that would consist of all of my favorite music and a peaceful setting where special breathing and synchronized pushing would result in a beautiful birth. My son was indeed born. I just didn’t expect the emergency C-section and the stitches that followed and the long scary nights where I even wondered if I could take care of him in some of my desperate moments. As other friends of mine started getting married and having children, I tried my best to prepare them for some of the realities as they, too were only living the fairy tale that they had seen in movies. None of their friends or family members wanted to tell them some of the harsh truths. People would ask me what it was like to be pregnant and a mother and I would always ask them if they wanted the fairy tale answer or the truth. I never quite understood why women kept these harder moments from each other as we could all be such a resource for the difficult times. Complaining about the difficulties of parenting does not make you a bad mother it makes you a very honest and concerned one.

I felt equally unprepared for the departure of my son for college last week. I have been struggling all year as the moments of his senior year passed by. There were senior sunrises, yearbook dedications, homecoming dances, senior pictures, prom, senior sunrise, awards nights, and finally graduation. All of these things were meant to slowly prepare me for the reality that he was going to move out. That room was going to be empty and clean for the first time in 18 years. There would no longer be an unmade bed that made me growl a little some mornings, or shoes scattered all over the floor. There would no longer be more hidden dirty clothes that would mess up my perfect laundry completion plan. There would just be a room with a few old baseball bats left over and a drawer full of some special mementos that he knew he wouldn’t have room for at his new apartment. I became the expert at choking back tears all year long and have gotten so good at it that a simple sip of water wards off the big streams that are on their way.

I never had a friend or a family member prepare me for this feeling of loss and closure on this part of his life. It hurts and he has only been gone one week. The reward a parent receives for raising an independent adult is a broken heart and a proud soul. There is nothing more pleasing than seeing your son decide to further his education and make the choice to go live as an adult responsible for his own laundry, cooking, social decisions and curfew. As a mom, trying to go to bed at night not knowing where your son is for the time in 18 years results in an emptiness that can hardly be described in words. It is something that every parent must face and I just want you to know that the pain is real and you should feel comfortable telling your friends that your miss your child whether they live 30 minutes away or 10 hours away. It is tough to close the door on years of mentoring another human being that you love deeply, simply so that they will actually leave your home and start their own life. Take time to prepare yourself for it and allow yourself to grieve the change that has occurred. It’s okay to cry and you don’t have to be tough about one bit of it. There is no medal for the mom that looks the happiest when her child leaves for college.

To my own mom, I bet I didn’t call you enough when I should have when I moved out and I know I didn’t think about what you must have been feeling. For that I am sorry all of these years later. And Mom, if you get the chance, tell your grandson to check in with me when he can because every call brings a moment of hope that is needed during these hard weeks and months as I adjust to a home without his laughter and amazing presence.

Flunking the Rules of Civility

When I first started doing my radio show about two years ago, I had a panel of guests of various ages who discussed the Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior that George Washington had copied for a school assignment at the age of 16. The 110 rules were originally written by French Jesuits in 1595 and at their core really describe a life focused on other people rather than self-interests. How far we have come in 419 years, and it’s not a road well-traveled.

In the last 20 years, the emphasis in the schools, and now at home, has been on self-esteem and self-worth, and the value of learning to focus on others has slipped away. Teachers and parents alike are tip-toeing around kids and their unruly behaviors so that they don’t feel shamed by manners and discipline. Is it working? If we look around we see spoiled disrespectful brats in most restaurants, schools and on athletic teams. These kids wouldn’t lift a finger to help their parents without arguing about it first or proclaiming how unfair it is to have to help support the daily grind of operating a house. Parents are exhausted and overwhelmed by these children and know they have created monsters but don’t know what to do. If that is your household, then I would suggest establishing the rules of civility in your home.

The next time you all sit down to dinner (which needs to be quite often if you want to raise well adjusted adults), I encourage you to start reading from the following list and get your children to explain what these rules mean and how they intend to start implementing them in your home. These conversations can be useful for kids ages five on up and you will be surprised how much your kids want the structure that might be lacking in your home.

Here are some of my favorites from the Rules of Civility that can change your household and get your otherwise lazy and entitled children on the right path:

Rule 6 Speak not when others Speak, Sit not when others Stand, speak not when you should hold Peace, walk not on when others stop.

Ask your children what this means to them. This is a rule about showing respect and using manners. There is no shame in either of those characteristics. Have each of your children tell you one way they can practice this rule starting today that will make a difference in your home. Suggest to them that this rule means that all electronics are to be turned off when the family is eating together (and that includes yours as well!).

Rule 40 Strive not with your Superiors in Argument, but always Submit your Judgment to Others with Modesty.

Imagine a home where the teenagers actually consider that they don’t know it all and that they should be respectful when expressing their opinions. The tricky part about these rules is that we have to lead by example here so the adults have to follow them as well! Ask your children how they can get along better with everybody in the household by having them name one thing they can do differently each day.

Rule 52 In your Apparel be Modest and endeavor to accommodate Nature, rather than to procure Admiration. Keep to the Fashions of your equals Such as are Civil and orderly with respect to Times and Places.

Don’t we all long for a world where people dress appropriately and children are excited to look and act mature? I used to love getting dressed up to travel on an airplane when I was a child and miss that experience now. Ask your children to go an entire week without arguing with you about what they are wearing to school or out for an evening and show you that they understand modesty.

Rule 56 Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for tis better to be alone than in bad Company.

Encourage your children to list three qualities that they believe are important to have a successful life and ask them to name three friends that have the same qualities. Encourage them to develop these relationships with people that will encourage them to make good decisions.

These are just a handful of the 110 rules and as I read them all, it is frightening to think about how badly our society has strayed away from them. We can’t be afraid to go back to them and start encouraging respect, manners, courtesy and modesty in order to get our children on the right path. Today we are flunking the rules of civility but we don’t have to be. Start with one rule at a time and get your children involved in the discussion. Write down what is important to you as a person and as a family and set a goal of implementing one new rule each week. A family without respect will fail and a society without civility will crumble…. It is only just a matter of time.

A Back to School Guide for Parents

Whether we’re ready or not, it’s that time of year again and many of our children have already returned to school, or will be returning to school this week. It’s always a stressful week of preparation and change for all households as the lighter summer schedule disappears and the more structured school day returns. We all think about what we need to do to prepare our children to go back to school, but this is a list for preparing yourself (the parent) for the changes ahead. For the first time in my life, I am sending one off to college, one to her second year of high school, and our younger four all still off to the elementary school (two of them starting their last year there). It’s important that I note my stress as a parent and prepare myself accordingly.

First off, it is important that we pay attention to our own sleep levels. It goes without saying that children need to be going to bed at a set time during the school year, but so do parents. We’re overwhelmed with switching gears from summer to school time, and we need to account for that by getting more sleep so we can be ready for the tasks ahead.

You should be expecting to be bombarded with the task of getting school supplies for your child. They will not be inexpensive and you need to prepare in advance for that. The teachers will need you to be on your game here and get the supplies on time. Imagine how overwhelming it is for them to receive those supplies for 30 plus students all at once, but even worse would be to get those supplies to them late and have them trying to account for who has turned in what supplies. Respect the position that the teacher is in with this chaos and make a commitment to complete all of these tasks on time just how you are asked to do it. Your teacher already knows how expensive school supplies are so there isn’t a need to complain to them. They are spending way more than you to prepare their classrooms for the school year and their time during the first few weeks can be better spent getting to know your child rather than tracking down the two inch binders you were supposed to provide.

No matter how hard it is for you to accept, your child has been placed in a class with many hours of thought behind it. The schools have done their best to make sure your child is with a friend or two and has been matched with the teacher that best suits their learning style. You can spend hours or even days worrying about this, but that time can be much better spent volunteering in the classroom and getting to know your new teacher rather than texting your friends or meeting with the administration so that you can complain about your selected teacher. They don’t get to pick the parents they want to deal with and I can promise you that they have way more concern about the group of parents they now will be managing than you do about their specific teaching style. Trust the system and help the teachers.

It is important from the first day of school or even at the ice cream social where you meet your teacher to be respectful of their time. When you meet your teacher and give them the supplies you have carefully selected, realize that there are 30 other parents that need to do the same thing. If every parent insists on 10 minutes with the teacher, it would take hours to do a simple meet and greet. Recognize that meet and greet means just that. “Mrs. Smith, this is my daughter Hannah. She is looking forward to seeing you on Monday. We are going to enjoy some ice cream now and will see you next week.” This is not the time to explain every little nuance regarding your child and where you think they should sit in the classroom and how they only like to sit with their best friend. In reality, you probably don’t need to explain any of that to the teacher. They will learn all of this in the first few hours of the school day just by observing your child.

I think it’s very important to make sure that someone from your household goes to the open house that is held in the first few weeks. This is your opportunity to learn the rules of the classroom that you can help reinforce at home. This is your chance to sign up to volunteer in the classroom and also set your time for the first parent teacher conference of the year. These are all very important tasks and if you go to the open house, you can save the teacher the struggle of tracking you down for all of this at a later date. The more time a teacher spends tracking you down, the less time he/she has to teach your child. If you do your part, the classroom runs more efficiently and your need to communicate and interrupt teaching time goes down.

Finally, if you are going to communicate with your teacher, think long and hard about that communication. If you have a legitimate concern about your child, the most effective thing you can is to ask your teacher for a time to meet. Authoring a two page e-mail in the middle of the day is counter-productive for you and the teacher that has to read it. Sending an e-mail that your son has a play date after school and needs to ride a different bus home is poor planning on your part and unfair to the teacher that now has to manage your social life. Think very carefully every time you sit down to write an e-mail. Your e-mail is an interruption for a hard-working teacher and it is important that you make sure that interruption is for a worthy cause. The more respect you show for teachers that are working hard to educate your children, the more likely your child will succeed this year. The more you stay out of your child’s daily tasks at school, the more likely they are to take charge of their life today and in the future. Taking time to prepare yourself for the school year is one important step to ensuring success for teachers and showing your child a path of independence and responsibility.

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