Tag: children

A mother’s love can last for generations

This past November, my oldest sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. As cancer treatment does to people, it has consumed her daily life and each day has involved preparing for surgery, or chemo, or shots, or tests, or waiting on results. She has been amazing and is reaching her last part of her journey and then the day when she feels normal once again.

Walking beside her this entire way has been my mom. She has been there for every appointment and chemotherapy session, and held her hand as she came out of every procedure and ultimately surgery to remove the tumor. She has brought her meals and been a loving nurse to her as she suffered the effects of chemo on her entire body. She has cared for her at my sister’s house at her own house. She was there standing next to her when she rang the bell indicating the end of chemo treatments. She has provided a comfort and peace that comes from a caring mother and I am lucky that she is my mom as well.

I’ve learned everything I need to know from my mom. There are times to be strong but there are also times when you are going to fall. When you fall, it is perfectly acceptable to cry and hurt and be angry as you slowly make your way to your feet again. You do have to make your way to your feet again; sometimes you will take strength from those who need you to stand firmly once again. Life will make you laugh and smile, but it will also hurt you and take away things you hold so dear. Some days you will have confidence in every decision you make. Other days you will look yourself in the mirror and question every detail of your existence.

A loving mom will help you realize that all of these things are normal and will be there to support you through every crazy phase of your life. She will even be there if you get sick like my sister did, and hold you through it just like she held you through every ear infection, new tooth, first love, and first heartbreak. Most importantly, she will teach you how to be a mom yourself one day just like her own Mom taught her.

In my own life, I just celebrated my son’s 20th birthday. It’s hard not to think back to when he was born and all of the hopes and dreams I had for him. Would I have what it takes to be a strong mother who could raise a respectful and caring man? Would I be able to show him my strengths and weaknesses so he could learn to be human and accept that none of us are perfect?

I recently was invited by my son to speak to his fraternity about ethics in business and I received a text from him after. He wrote “Thanks again for coming tonight and for everything you do. I would obviously not be anywhere near the position I’m in today if I didn’t have your love and support. A lot of my fraternity brothers came up to me and told me how amazing you are. I felt like the luckiest son alive. Love you Mom.” I credit my mom for that text. It is everything she taught me that leads me to receiving a message like that from my own son.

I have six other kids that I love and adore as well. Three of them are my biological children and three of them are stepchildren. When you learn to love and give everything you have, you don’t care how a child has come into your life. It doesn’t matter if you gave birth to them, adopted them, or became a part of their life through marriage. You love them all with passion and grace and hope that someday they will do the same for their own children.

My youngest son, who is now 10 months old, is crawling everywhere and beginning to want to take his first assisted steps. He cautiously finds my hand or leg with each step and always looks back with a little bit of fear and a little bit of satisfaction. He knows I won’t let go right now but he should also know that someday I will have to let go in small ways and then in really big ways. He will learn that I will let him grow his wings and not stop him when he is ready to take off and fly.

This is the hard and heartbreaking work of a mom. It takes one generation after another of loving mothers to build a large family full of love, trust, loyalty, reliability, and laughter. Mother’s Day is a special day to recognize all of these women that have brought children into the world, adopted children, or helped raise children that aren’t their own. Some of you have already lost your own moms and know the pain of losing your mentor and best friend. I think that pain can only be comforted by looking at your own children and grandchildren and knowing that your mom played a role in their successes.

I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day today. Regardless of how you became a mom, the world is a better place because of you and the support you provide all of the children that call you Mom. If you are like me, your Mother’s Day will probably involve watching children or grandchildren play some type of sport and then hopefully you can get together as a family and celebrate the greatness of all of the moms that make up your incredible family.

Katie Coombs is the host of the radio show “Uncommon Sense with Katie Coombs.” You can reach her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/UncommonSenseKC/.

If I Were the Dean of Discipline

I have had children in the public school system for more years than I care to admit and in that time have witnessed a transfer of responsibility for success from the student to the parent. This transfer is becoming so apparent that even the notes home from school imply that the parents need to step-up their supervision in order to get positive results from their children. Professors at the college level are even reporting unprecedented amounts of parental interference and involvement where none existed in the past.

My hope for the future is that the schools will encourage parents to back away from this type of involvement in their children’s school work, and instead establish that it is the job of the child to do their work and not the job of the parent. If I were the Dean of Discipline at any high school, I would write the following letter to the parents of my students:

Dear Parents,
There is a new program called Infinite Campus that is set up to allow you to log on and track the academic progress of your children daily. You can check multiple times a day and know exactly what grades your children are receiving and whether or not they are turning in assignments. I would encourage you to ignore this software and instead sit down with your children and set high expectations for their school years. You should make it very clear that you have no intention of being a student any longer in the same way that you do not expect your children to take on the responsibility of parenting. You can encourage your children to log on if they want to track their own progress and their own grades, but what message are you really sending if you are logging on? Aren’t you telling your child that you don’t trust them to turn in their school work? Aren’t you sending the message that you don’t believe them when they tell you they have completed their homework? If you haven’t established this responsibility by now, what will you be accomplishing by confirming that your child doesn’t take school work seriously? Your time would be better spent taking parenting classes and spending quality time with your child where he can learn to respect you and learn to respect himself. If he can’t turn in his assignments, you should already have clear cut established consequences that would include taking his car, taking his phone, and taking away all of his extracurricular activities until he makes school the primary goal in his life. I can promise you that nothing will be gained from your daily nagging to do his work. Sadly, it may be too late to even help your child as these priorities should have been established years ago. Your child should have known from the start that his schoolwork was his responsibility and that you had no intention of doing it for him. Or making sure he turned it in. The teachers may act like they are fans of Infinite Campus, but I assure you, they are bigger fans of students that show up prepared, respectful and ready to learn. Speaking of being respectful, I will not waste my time explaining that there is a dress code at this school. If you have ever let your child leave the house dressed inappropriately, then shame on you. If you are buying clothes that don’t meet our dress code, you are a part of the problem, but your child should be responsible enough by this age that he would be unwilling to break our rules. In fact, he should be embarrassed to break the rules. In the end, your student should be well aware of the dress code and the ultimate blame will fall on him and there will be consequences. We will not be afraid to enforce them no matter how popular or athletic your child might be. We are even willing to lose the big football game on Friday night to make sure your son becomes a better man.

Sincerely,
The Dean of Discipline

Since I am not at Dean of Discipline, I can only dream of receiving a letter like this. Instead, I am bombarded with every tip imaginable to be taking charge of my children’s work. The reality in my house is quite a bit different. My children know that I have never logged on to Infinite Campus and if there ever comes a time when I feel like I need to, life as they know it will drastically change. This parenting style has worked perfectly for 14 years and I am certain it will continue to work until our last child graduates and becomes an independent and responsible adult.

Adjusting to the Pain of Children Leaving the Nest

My first child was born when I was only 23 years old. I felt ready at the time and my knowledge of parenting was that babies were sweet and cuddly and just adorable. I even thought that pregnancy was a magical time in life with the baby kicking and everyone just getting excited about the upcoming birth. There would be cute baby clothes at showers thrown by family and friends, and the excitement of finding out if we were expecting a son or a daughter. All of these things held true to a point, but nobody really ever talked about the hard parts of pregnancy. The appearance of swollen feet and water retaining fingers was a surprise that ultimately resulted in my wedding band being cut from my finger. The appearance of bloody noses out of nowhere and the total discomfort as I got bigger were also a shock as I slowly lost the capacity to take any good deep breaths. I actually broke a toe on my right foot hitting a table during the first signs of labor that proved to be rather uncomfortable for the long days in the hospital that were about to follow.

I still remember writing the sweetest birthing plan that would consist of all of my favorite music and a peaceful setting where special breathing and synchronized pushing would result in a beautiful birth. My son was indeed born. I just didn’t expect the emergency C-section and the stitches that followed and the long scary nights where I even wondered if I could take care of him in some of my desperate moments. As other friends of mine started getting married and having children, I tried my best to prepare them for some of the realities as they, too were only living the fairy tale that they had seen in movies. None of their friends or family members wanted to tell them some of the harsh truths. People would ask me what it was like to be pregnant and a mother and I would always ask them if they wanted the fairy tale answer or the truth. I never quite understood why women kept these harder moments from each other as we could all be such a resource for the difficult times. Complaining about the difficulties of parenting does not make you a bad mother it makes you a very honest and concerned one.

I felt equally unprepared for the departure of my son for college last week. I have been struggling all year as the moments of his senior year passed by. There were senior sunrises, yearbook dedications, homecoming dances, senior pictures, prom, senior sunrise, awards nights, and finally graduation. All of these things were meant to slowly prepare me for the reality that he was going to move out. That room was going to be empty and clean for the first time in 18 years. There would no longer be an unmade bed that made me growl a little some mornings, or shoes scattered all over the floor. There would no longer be more hidden dirty clothes that would mess up my perfect laundry completion plan. There would just be a room with a few old baseball bats left over and a drawer full of some special mementos that he knew he wouldn’t have room for at his new apartment. I became the expert at choking back tears all year long and have gotten so good at it that a simple sip of water wards off the big streams that are on their way.

I never had a friend or a family member prepare me for this feeling of loss and closure on this part of his life. It hurts and he has only been gone one week. The reward a parent receives for raising an independent adult is a broken heart and a proud soul. There is nothing more pleasing than seeing your son decide to further his education and make the choice to go live as an adult responsible for his own laundry, cooking, social decisions and curfew. As a mom, trying to go to bed at night not knowing where your son is for the time in 18 years results in an emptiness that can hardly be described in words. It is something that every parent must face and I just want you to know that the pain is real and you should feel comfortable telling your friends that your miss your child whether they live 30 minutes away or 10 hours away. It is tough to close the door on years of mentoring another human being that you love deeply, simply so that they will actually leave your home and start their own life. Take time to prepare yourself for it and allow yourself to grieve the change that has occurred. It’s okay to cry and you don’t have to be tough about one bit of it. There is no medal for the mom that looks the happiest when her child leaves for college.

To my own mom, I bet I didn’t call you enough when I should have when I moved out and I know I didn’t think about what you must have been feeling. For that I am sorry all of these years later. And Mom, if you get the chance, tell your grandson to check in with me when he can because every call brings a moment of hope that is needed during these hard weeks and months as I adjust to a home without his laughter and amazing presence.

A Back to School Guide for Parents

Whether we’re ready or not, it’s that time of year again and many of our children have already returned to school, or will be returning to school this week. It’s always a stressful week of preparation and change for all households as the lighter summer schedule disappears and the more structured school day returns. We all think about what we need to do to prepare our children to go back to school, but this is a list for preparing yourself (the parent) for the changes ahead. For the first time in my life, I am sending one off to college, one to her second year of high school, and our younger four all still off to the elementary school (two of them starting their last year there). It’s important that I note my stress as a parent and prepare myself accordingly.

First off, it is important that we pay attention to our own sleep levels. It goes without saying that children need to be going to bed at a set time during the school year, but so do parents. We’re overwhelmed with switching gears from summer to school time, and we need to account for that by getting more sleep so we can be ready for the tasks ahead.

You should be expecting to be bombarded with the task of getting school supplies for your child. They will not be inexpensive and you need to prepare in advance for that. The teachers will need you to be on your game here and get the supplies on time. Imagine how overwhelming it is for them to receive those supplies for 30 plus students all at once, but even worse would be to get those supplies to them late and have them trying to account for who has turned in what supplies. Respect the position that the teacher is in with this chaos and make a commitment to complete all of these tasks on time just how you are asked to do it. Your teacher already knows how expensive school supplies are so there isn’t a need to complain to them. They are spending way more than you to prepare their classrooms for the school year and their time during the first few weeks can be better spent getting to know your child rather than tracking down the two inch binders you were supposed to provide.

No matter how hard it is for you to accept, your child has been placed in a class with many hours of thought behind it. The schools have done their best to make sure your child is with a friend or two and has been matched with the teacher that best suits their learning style. You can spend hours or even days worrying about this, but that time can be much better spent volunteering in the classroom and getting to know your new teacher rather than texting your friends or meeting with the administration so that you can complain about your selected teacher. They don’t get to pick the parents they want to deal with and I can promise you that they have way more concern about the group of parents they now will be managing than you do about their specific teaching style. Trust the system and help the teachers.

It is important from the first day of school or even at the ice cream social where you meet your teacher to be respectful of their time. When you meet your teacher and give them the supplies you have carefully selected, realize that there are 30 other parents that need to do the same thing. If every parent insists on 10 minutes with the teacher, it would take hours to do a simple meet and greet. Recognize that meet and greet means just that. “Mrs. Smith, this is my daughter Hannah. She is looking forward to seeing you on Monday. We are going to enjoy some ice cream now and will see you next week.” This is not the time to explain every little nuance regarding your child and where you think they should sit in the classroom and how they only like to sit with their best friend. In reality, you probably don’t need to explain any of that to the teacher. They will learn all of this in the first few hours of the school day just by observing your child.

I think it’s very important to make sure that someone from your household goes to the open house that is held in the first few weeks. This is your opportunity to learn the rules of the classroom that you can help reinforce at home. This is your chance to sign up to volunteer in the classroom and also set your time for the first parent teacher conference of the year. These are all very important tasks and if you go to the open house, you can save the teacher the struggle of tracking you down for all of this at a later date. The more time a teacher spends tracking you down, the less time he/she has to teach your child. If you do your part, the classroom runs more efficiently and your need to communicate and interrupt teaching time goes down.

Finally, if you are going to communicate with your teacher, think long and hard about that communication. If you have a legitimate concern about your child, the most effective thing you can is to ask your teacher for a time to meet. Authoring a two page e-mail in the middle of the day is counter-productive for you and the teacher that has to read it. Sending an e-mail that your son has a play date after school and needs to ride a different bus home is poor planning on your part and unfair to the teacher that now has to manage your social life. Think very carefully every time you sit down to write an e-mail. Your e-mail is an interruption for a hard-working teacher and it is important that you make sure that interruption is for a worthy cause. The more respect you show for teachers that are working hard to educate your children, the more likely your child will succeed this year. The more you stay out of your child’s daily tasks at school, the more likely they are to take charge of their life today and in the future. Taking time to prepare yourself for the school year is one important step to ensuring success for teachers and showing your child a path of independence and responsibility.

Disappearance of Discipline is Tearing Down the Country

I’m starting to believe that the disappearance of discipline is a well thought out strategy by somebody who wants this great nation to collapse.   It has been well documented that the emphasis on self esteem that is prevalent in our schools is resulting in college-aged adults who are anxious, depressed, and can’t function without the interference of Mommy and Daddy.  College professors are being hounded by parents for grades they are handing out.  My own Mom would not have been able to tell you who my college professors were or what my assignments might have been.  She expected me to manage my affairs and that was an expectation set when I was very young.  She had us make our own school lunches and participate in running the household so that we could somebody run our own households without her financial or physical support.  We are all fully capable of doing that and don’t rely on her, or the government or anyone to eat or turn on our lights.

Convincing children that they are amazing and special and at the same time waiting on them hand and foot seems like a funny movie to watch but unfortunately it is being played out in households across this country.   Children can demand things from their parents without even a simple please or thank you and we are allowing this because we don’t want to shame them or hurt their self esteem.  Where do we think these spoiled, lazy, disrespectful children are going to end up?  Do we really believe that they are going to be successful contributors to this nation?  Do we think that we can just press a button on them when they turn 18 that will somehow make them hard working respectful adults?

Disciplined and well-mannered children are a must if we want to continue to compete in a competitive world.   We have to start fighting back against the things we know will hurt these future adults.  We all accept the notion of trophies for everyone at the end of season pizza party, but do we really believe it?  Do we really want to reward showing up over accomplishment?   What will be the motivation to work hard at a new job if everyone is going to receive the same salary and the same bonus?  Even children are starting to scoff at these participation trophies realizing that there is a difference between “showing up” and showing up with the intention to work hard, improve, and even win.

When I read other blogs or Facebook posts about the reasons not to teach manners or have kids do chores, the word discipline is always shunned because it is associated with spanking or hitting.  These writers believe that discipline means violence.  It doesn’t.  Discipline means nothing more than to teach.  This teaching should involve structures and boundaries so that children can grow into meaningful adults.   I don’t hit any of the six kids that live in our house although I can tell you that they respect authority and leadership because they have been taught to do that.  They know that if they are asked to do something that they need to do it or there will be consequences.  Just like life.  Just like a job.  Just like relationships.  Our behavior will always have consequences.

We have to fight back against the somebody or the something out there that is trying to make everyone the same by removing discipline from life.  We know it doesn’t make sense so we can start today by asking more of our children than we did yesterday.  We can ask them to be responsible for their own school work, their lunches, and their laundry and set reasonable peaceful consequences if they don’t step up.  It is one small way to show them a successful future that can be achieved through hard work and discipline.  We are already far behind with many of these children so we can’t delay another day.

Life Defined

We all believe we have stumbled upon moments in our life that define us or define the meaning of life.  We try to learn from them and often times we are humbled by them.  If we are willing to learn and grow as people, these moments shape us and help us realize what is truly important in life.   We drop the drama and silliness of our youth and become truly productive people that are reliable and trustworthy.  Our children, parents, friends and spouses can count on us when we grow from these moments.

For me, until I reached February 18, 2014, the most defining moment of my life came the day my daughter Hannah was born nine weeks premature.  I knew she was going to be born early.  I knew we both had a risk of losing our life that day.  I have never looked at life the same after holding a four pound infant in my arms that had already shown a desire to just be alive.  You can’t spend time in the ICU watching babies fight for life and not learn a lesson.  If you leave that room and ever act petty again you have missed an opportunity you will never get again.  Watching parents say goodbye to a newborn that doesn’t survive gives you depth you didn’t know you were capable of.

I never truly believed anything could touch me more than those days in the ICU.  I matured in a way that you almost don’t want to even though my daughter survived and is a thriving and healthy 10-year-old.  I never lost the message and still look at her with the same amazed look as I did watching her fight for oxygen in those first days.  I remember leaving the hospital with her after a month in the ICU and feeling like no other day could ever teach me more.  On February 18, 2014 my newest nephew was born into the world.  He carries with him a name that means so much.  His middle name is my brother’s – a man I have tremendous respect for.  He started his life over and found the love of his life and had another child at the age of 43.  No regrets.  No questions.  And he is already in love with his son.  His first name Jonathan gives him very important initials.  JK.  A man we lost to a horrible accident 2.5 years ago and is still greatly missed today.  And then there is the defining moment.  Jonathan’s grandfather, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given nine months to live almost four years ago, was able to hold his grandson.

We went and picked my Dad up at his house and had the opportunity to help him into the car and up to that nursery.  As a family, and by family I mean my mom (who is his ex-wife), my husband, my kids, my sister, my brother’s ex-wife, and all of Jonathan’s maternal side sat together and watched one generation say hello to the next in the most profound example of the circle of life.   I wasn’t just struck by the moment itself but also the people in it.  There was no hostility about divorce or lives that went in different directions.  My mom and my step-mom were there together and whatever happened between them in the past was of zero significance in the moment they welcomed new life while also painfully knowing they were saying  goodbye to the older generation.  There was no discussion of failed marriages or disputes that may have caused them.   There was just Jonathan.  And all of us.  And a moment that only the heart can capture.  A camera just tells the story frame by frame but not tear by tear.  My son and my older nephew were overcome with emotion and stood there two men not afraid to express their true feelings.  I love that they feel comfortable doing that.  They don’t know it now but that expression of emotion will define them one day as well.

As I write this, my nephew is still in the hospital waiting for his mom to go home and my dad is being visited daily by hospice.  It is a roller coaster of emotions and most of them are amazing and defining.  It strengthens everyone involved and reminds us once again what is truly precious in life.  All of the buzzing around us is just noise – simple and mostly useless noise.  The heart is what matters.  Love and hope.  Life and death.  The rest is just the minor detail that fills in the gaps between the moments that truly define your life.  My advice to my own children is to not over live in the noise but to instead wait for the opportunities to show who they really are when life calls on them to shine.

Another Nail in the Coffin

My step-son received a model car for his birthday and this weekend he decided to build it and paint it.  He was so excited to work with his Dad on this special project.  We made a list of the things we needed for the model (glue, paint, etc) and I set off to Walmart to pick everything up.

I had to pass by the large selection of X-Box,  Play Station, and Wii games to get to the toy section so that I could locate the models and the glue.  Not finding anything there, I proceeded to the craft section thinking that model glue would be there.  No luck.

I tracked down an employee who had no idea and found a lady who seemed to be responsible for the toy section.  With sadness in her voice, she reported to me that Walmart didn’t carry model glue.   My first thought was that they stopped carrying the glue because people were probably sniffing it or something dangerous like that.  I jokingly asked her if that was the reason and her answer was that Walmart actually didn’t need to carry glue because they don’t carry models.  I sat there with my jaw dropped realizing that one of the biggest retailers in America has stopped carrying model cars, airplanes, etc.  She assured me that a few locations still did but that they are not an item that was moving off of the shelves.

A child building a model with his siblings or parents is such an important tradition for all involved.  It is quality time where a child is using his hand/eye coordination and creative skills to build something he can keep forever.  The memories of building it with Mom or Dad stay forever.

I’m sad I had to pass by all of the video games in Walmart to locate the empty shelf where models once were.  There are no memories built from sticking your kids in front of violent video games.  It’s just an inappropriate babysitter replacing quality family time.  I hope for a day when parents will unite and even remember how important things like model building were.  If we don’t, it’s just another nail in the coffin for American families and our society as a whole.

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