There is a great article rolling around the internet with the title “Marriage is not for Me.” At first glance, it appears that the author doesn’t believe in marriage, but when you read the entire story, he is basically saying that marriage is not about you, but about your partner. You are making a commitment to love and honor another person and if they give you the same focus in return, the marriage is going to survive all of life’s challenges.
I haven’t been able to get this out of my mind as I look around our world and worry about all of the things that are going wrong. At the basic foundation of everything that is negative, is the fact that so many people are focused on what will make their own life happy rather than those around them. We find this problem in Washington especially where it all about political party rather than what is in the best interest of the country. The truth, which is a little thing that is supposed to be used for those we care about, has been replaced by the spin. If something gets said that isn’t truthful, we are learning from our leaders that we just need to put a spin on what we said, and all is well again in the world. You can’t spin in a great marriage, or in a great partnership, you can only focus on the truth and your partner if you want an amazing future.
The problem with focusing on our own happiness and rather than the happiness of everyone around us is that in the end, nobody ends up happy without an emphasis on community and family. What if we all started focusing on giving of ourselves without worrying about what we will get in return? What if everyone was doing that together? I envision a happy society where the hungry are fed and the divorce starts dropping rapidly because caring about one another leads to intimate relationships that won’t end.
A successful business thrives in exactly the same way. If the owners focus on their employees and their clients instead of how to line their own pocket books, everybody succeeds. A community thrives when business succeeds and so do families when stress starts to decrease and doing for others creates a feeling of unity.
Marriage is not just for you. It is for your spouse. Your children. Your entire family. Every divorce I have ever seen, including my own, can be tied to one person focusing too much on their own needs, rather than the needs of their partner. It is a simple thing to change if one commits to others.
We have to get away from so much emphasis on self-esteem and self-worth as it is destroying our country. I hear parents complaining all of the time about how “slower” students are slowing down their own child’s experience in a classroom. Shouldn’t we encourage our children to help the slower students? Which in turn provides an education in the most important part of their own life – developing close relationships?
In our house, where eight people have to share resources and compromise all of the time, I am often reminded of the quote “the great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” I do enjoy that quote, but I honestly feel that if everyone is learning to focus on what is in the best interest of their entire family, nothing unfair can occur. People can only learn empathy and patience when they are doing for others.
As we watch our divorce rate remain close to 50% and our government crack apart slowly but surely, I know the only solution is to stop being so concerned about our own happiness, and reach out and help others every day. Of course, you have to be cautious of the people that will only take from you and never give until they learn the basics of giving to others as well. But maybe your love and compassion will show them what life is really supposed to be about.
Marriage is not for me. It is for my husband and for my family.
