Author: CourtneyO

Graduation Highlights the Importance of Blending Families

CourtneyOJune 25, 2014Comments OffBlog

With each passing year of my life, I feel for parents more and more. I had no idea the emotions that I would experience as a parent watching my children travel through each phase of their life and how happy and sad I could be at the same moment when they hit certain milestones. In the last three days, I watched my son graduate from high school and hosted a big graduation party to celebrate him. The next day was Father’s Day where we celebrated my husband, ex-husband, and my step-dad for all of their contributions to the lives of all of the kids and adults that live in our home. Early Monday morning, it was off to the DMV so that my daughter could get her learner’s permit. It was a whirlwind weekend full of emotions, milestones, change and tears. I even found myself choked up in the DMV, which was a first.

The highlight of the weekend was watching all of the members of my family work together to celebrate my son. His step-dad (my husband) spent countless hours preparing the yard for the party and getting everything ready and cleaned up. His dad (my ex-husband) and I worked together for weeks to prepare a slide show of his life that included pictures from our marriage together, and then pictures from our second marriages and the blended families that resulted. All of us went to dinner together after graduation – step brothers and sisters, step- parents, parents, grand step-parents, brothers, sisters. To my son, this is just his family. It is not a sad and awkward tale of divorce, but instead a real and true picture of life and the adult decisions that impact children but shouldn’t destroy them. This is all he has ever known since the day he was born. My own parents were divorced when I was 11 and his first memories include step-grandparents and grandparents, but to him it was all just more Grandpas and Grandmas to love.

Sadly, many families don’t operate like this and children are forced into confronting and handling adult decisions that really have nothing to do with them. Most of us have seen all sides of nasty divorces in our lives, and it is hard to understand why adults choose for kids to live and feel tension and anger. Children have nothing to do with why adults divorce. Some children are relieved when their parents get divorced after years of fighting or obvious unhappiness. Others are surprised but want nothing more than their lives to go on peacefully while the adults handle the adults’ problems. Divorce is a sad and difficult part of life that still occurs in almost 50% of households across our country. I have been asked so many times why I got divorced from my first husband and the question always give me a little laugh since it really doesn’t have an easy answer. If I tried to answer it in one sentence, I don’t believe I would be holding both of us accountable to what happened. The best guess I can give for why I got divorced and why I think most people get divorced is that we were born and subsequently our lives started happening. There are so many factors that play into divorce – personality, families, careers, handling of finances, communication, economics, friends, and differences that come up when children are born. There are lots of ways that marriages end, but most of share common ground in why we got divorced.

When my ex-husband and I decided to get divorced, it was a very hard and sad decision, but we sat down together and worked out a solution that would that would split up the assets and make sure that our kids would have what they needed no matter where they were sleeping. We didn’t need an attorney to explain that to us so we didn’t use one. We split everything in half because that is the law and we developed a schedule for our kids in case we ever needed a document to tell us what was in their best interest (which we don’t). We work together to discuss holidays and birthdays and vacations until we know we have found what works for everyone involved (and that includes his step-kids and my step-kids). We do this because we love our children and decided years ago it would be ridiculous to spend any more time discussing or fighting about why we got divorced. We knew it was irrelevant to our kids and I believe that is the case for almost every divorce out there.

We aren’t amazing people for doing this. We are just parents who decided to focus on our children and nothing else. We both believe that the other is a good and capable parent which means that any other part of our life doesn’t need to be discussed. When we start to get off track from time to time, we give each other space and we always come back together with what is best for our children. Adults need to acknowledge that adult problems require adult communication to arrive at adult decisions. That is all it takes to have an amicable divorce. You can strongly dislike your ex-spouse but love your children enough to end up sitting together at a dinner someday celebrating a big milestone like a graduation. You can show your children that mature adults can guide them through life no matter how much blending goes on in their family. The key is to blend everyone, love equally, and make sure the kids are allowed to be kids while the adults are acting like adults.

It’s Long Past Time to Portray Fathers as Leaders

CourtneyOJune 18, 2014Comments OffUncategorized

Every year I dread the annual walk into the Father’s Day card aisle. I’m not the only woman who feels this way either. The aisle is loaded with cards about fathers who lay on the couch all day in a frantic search for the remote or spend hours every day fishing with their buddies. I stand there trapped as I look for a card for my husband, my ex-husband, my step-dad, my father in-law, my brother, and up until my Dad’s death in March, a card for him as well. Most of the cards don’t fit any of them or any Dad I know for that matter. There are always the gushy ones to choose from, but the ones with any humor mostly portray men as lazy and useless in the household.

I think back to my childhood and some of the shows that we watched back in the 1970’s – Little House on the Prairie, The Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough and The Walton’s. The fathers in those shows were portrayed as leaders of the family and they helped guide and shape their children. They treated their wives with respect and even though the male and female roles were more traditional in the 1970’s, couples worked together as co-leaders to run the household and help the children daily.

As time passed, and women continued to further their careers, television made a drastic switch and these older shows got replaced with sitcoms like The Cosby Show, The Simpson’s, Married with Children, and The Family Guy. These are all popular shows that ran for years and men are all portrayed as aloof and incapable of being a leader in the home. The American mindset slowly began shifting and believing that men are unable to handle multiple tasks and women are much more capable of handling work responsibilities and children than men can be. The media has been portraying it for years and Hallmark seems to support the notion as well. As a wife and a mother, I feel like we have to do all that we can to undo this mindset and teach our boys what a true Father is capable of.

Manners. Morals. Respect. Character. Common Sense. Trust. Patience. Class. Integrity. Love. These are just a few of the items that I believe fathers should list on what they are responsible for teaching their kids each day. Of course, women have the same responsibility but television and Hallmark already portray us as the ones capable of such tasks. It is the men that have been portrayed so poorly and they all don’t deserve it.

I know so many men that work all day and come home and handle all of the responsibilities of home just like their wives do. They are running kids all over town and participating in daily conversations with their children to help guide them down the right path. To all of those hard-working men, Happy Father’s Day (the card you get might not portray it as well as it should). To those men who look and act more like Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin, watch those shows again and remember that they are only cartoons. Those children in those shows aren’t turning out well at all and the lack of a leader as a father plays a significant roll. That father doesn’t have to be the biological father because life doesn’t always turn out that way. That leader can be any man that is family, or a friend, who wants to take the time to show children that men can lead at work and at home. Men can teach them how to show feelings and provide nurturing in a time of need. The media and the card aisles aren’t going to help you here at all men. You have to show this leadership one day at a time until society gives you the credit you deserve.

A Few Thoughts to the Graduating Class of 2014

CourtneyOJune 12, 2014Comments OffBlog

Congratulations to all of you as you finish your high school career and prepare for the next step in your life. Hopefully, you are stepping. Either stepping out of the door to go work and find a place of your own or going on to some type of higher education so that you can feed yourself and your family someday. The generation before you has relied heavily on their parents to take care of them and many of them still live at home at 25 or 30 years old. No matter how you were raised, you need to snicker and tell yourself you aren’t going to expect your Mom and Dad to fund your every meal anymore.

This has been a tricky time to grow up. Since you were about 10 years old, a little company called Apple began producing phones that put the internet in your hands and completely changed the way you communicate with your friends and even your parents. You need to know that if you really want to succeed in life, you are going to have to learn to communicate looking people in the eye. You can’t text an employer your answers in the middle of an interview and you can’t dance with your partner over the phone. I suggest you take every class you can and even read books on communication to help you overcome what this technology has done to you.

The whole time you have been on this planet, you have been handed trophies and ribbons for every sport you participated in. We have not helped you at all by doing this. You will not get awards ever again without earning them the hard way and this may seem unfair to you when you look at your dresser that is right now covered in bobble head trophies. Those trophies were handed to you just because your parents signed you up. The rest of your life you will have to achieve certain goals and criteria to be awarded. Like it or not, that’s the way it is and you would do your own future children lots of good if you work to eliminate this trophy practice.

You have seen things on the internet that were way too mature for your eyes and try not to let this scar your future relationships. Whether you are male or female, you have to treat people with respect in order to get that third or second date. Don’t be afraid to hold a door open for a woman, young men. If she gets offended, she just might not be the right one for you. Chivalry is an important part of finding the right partner and don’t let our current society talk you out of it. Your table manners really matter. Practice them right now if you haven’t before and learn how to set a table and when to use a salad fork. There will always be something very attractive about well-mannered people.

You have been unfairly judged by test scores more than any generation before you. Your success will be directly correlated to how hard you work and well you treat the people you work with. Yes, you will need to read or write but don’t think that your Map Testing scores from 6th grade are going to ever play a role in your future. They aren’t. You will now be placed according to your common sense, work ethic, and overall personality instead of some number on paper. The faster you figure this out the more likely you are to succeed.

Even though adults have told you how amazing you are your entire life, the faster you accept that you are just like everyone else the better things will go for you. You can prevent tremendous amounts of future anxiety and social blunders if you treat everyone equally and also don’t expect the world to bow down to your amazing self. You are just a person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Nobody owes you anything and you do not deserve a certain lifestyle or car or house. You will have to work hard for those things no matter how amazing you think you are.

If your over-bearing parents try to step in and tell your future employers or college professors how to treat you, do everyone a favor and say no the first time it comes up. Your parents may have unfortunately been such good friends with you for so long that they can’t stand to see you suffer. It’s ok if you suffer a little bit and it’s ok to tell your parents that you are an adult and you don’t need their intervention. The faster you become independent from them the better you will feel about yourself. But you should still call them and say hello and I love you from time to time. They worked hard to get you this far.

And finally, to those really smart graduates who didn’t enjoy high school because they weren’t in the “cool” crowd, I have excellent news for you. Those people that thought they were better than you and even made you feel small are about to start the journey to their 10 year high school reunion. When they arrive, they are going to look a little weathered and you are going to look sharp. You “nerds” as they called you, will be the future doctors, lawyers, scientists, and accountants that will make this world go around. The “proud” crowd will be working for you and high school was the time they peaked in life. You don’t want to peak at 18. Shoot for 40 or even 50! Your hard work and studying will pay off in a way that will have made all those awkward years of high school well worth it. Plus, you are the ones that gave the graduation speeches and ran off with all of the scholarship money.

Good luck to all of you. You have a little bit to overcome from the things that existed when you were born, but it can be done. I’m counting on you as there are too many baby boomers to take care of and we need your help. I’ve given up on most of the 25-30 year olds so I’m holding out hope for you.

Difficult to Find Solutions When You Can’t Identify the Problem

CourtneyOJune 4, 2014Comments OffBlog

Social media sites and the news are blasted with the tragic story out of Santa Barbara. Our country has endured another senseless slaughter of six innocent people by a lone gunman who decided that others should die that day. Some of his victims knew him and others only saw him for a split second as he carelessly fired a semi-automatic weapon instantly killing complete strangers and changing the lives of their families and friends forever.

The news is mostly focused on gun control. It always is when these things happen. For a couple of weeks, the two opposing sides are going to fight about gun control and background checks and then the conversation will eventually quiet down until it is mostly gone again – until the next shooting. And so it goes. A horrific problem in our country and we all know that nothing is going to change at all. We only get really upset right when the shootings occur but nobody seems to want to discuss real solutions.

When I first hear about these shootings, my mind automatically goes to a young man in his early 20’s. I don’t even have to wait for them to identify the shooter. There is a long list growing of teenage boys and men in their young 20’s tied to these rampages, and we can’t solve anything if we are only going to focus on the guns. We have to look so much further into how our society has evolved and also closely examine the lives of each shooter. The Santa Barbara killer had recorded videos of himself discussing why he was going to slaughter his victims. He had a deep hatred towards women whom he felt had shunned him throughout his life. Although just two of his victims were women, his idea about relationships revolved heavily around sex and not companionship, and domination instead of partnership.

Most people would agree that these killers are all mentally ill. They are suffering from something most of us can’t understand but when we throw them into today’s modern technology and parenting style, we have to wonder how we can possibly stop these crimes. Children are being handed electronic devices from the age of two and most of them have access to the internet. The ability to seek out inappropriate information is far too easy no matter how many blocks parents use. Most parents start taking their children to violent movies before they even start kindergarten with the misperception that children can distinguish fantasy from reality (even though they still believe in Santa Clause). By the time boys are in elementary school, most of them are playing violent video games for hours each day and the action looks real. They are accustomed to seeing so much death and destruction that by the time they reach high school, they are numb to the reality of what they are seeing on the screen. The ability to gain access to pornography is simple and it’s almost impossible for parents to stop. This isn’t just an old Playboy magazine to look at but rather graphic and sometimes violent acts that children can watch with a simple Google search.
None of us know if our children will suffer from mental illness when they are older, but from the moment they are born, we have to protect them from ever ending up on the trigger side of these guns. We have to start by keeping electronics out of their hands at young ages so that they don’t develop an addiction to the technology. This requires active parenting and not having an easy out by placing an iPad in front of your kid every time they are bored. We have to stand strong and keep their television and movie viewing age appropriate until they are long past the age of believing in the Tooth Fairy or the Easter bunny. We have to resist giving them fancy phones with internet access that will allow them to look at anything they are curious about when they are too young to understand love and companionship versus sex and pornography. We have to be the one parent who won’t allow our middle school aged son to play violent video games no matter how many times they ask for it.

If your child does end up with some type of mental illness or is the victim of bullying, don’t you feel like they have a better shot at getting through it if they have had limitations to what they are seeing and feeling at these younger ages? Every shooter in the past few years had a history of spending hours on violent games and of course had access to guns. As for those guns, I was fortunate to be raised in a home that didn’t even allow cap guns. My children have been raised in the same fashion. We have been anti-violence and it has worked for us. I understand people want to own guns for protection or for hunting, but I don’t believe anybody can make a strong argument for why a 22 year old male needs three semi-automatic handguns in his possession. Something is wrong with our society when that is right. The guns are often compared to cars and the argument is made that the car doesn’t kill someone in an accident just like the gun isn’t responsible for the murder. For those that like that analogy, take a look at what a teenager has to go through to earn the right to operate a car and compare it to what an individual has to go through to hold a lethal weapon in their hand. This isn’t the weapon that existed when the 2nd amendment was passed – this is a gun with a magazine capable of mowing down an entire sidewalk of people in seconds. We all have to accept that rapidly changing technology requires new discipline and possibly updating the rules whether we are referring to guns, computers, cell phones or social media.

With the violent media that is so easily accessed in our country, we need to do more to protect our children from being on either side of that weapon. We have to work to prevent a violent mindset throughout their lives and then come to the table united to talk about what type of weapons really should be available for daily use. We have to discuss the real problems before we will ever find any solutions. Right now, we have six more families going through unfathomable grief and a seventh family that is left feeling loss, grief, despair, and guilt trying to figure out how they could have prevented what happened. All I am hearing is blame and all I am seeing is finger pointing at certain groups when the reality is that this problem starts the moment a child is born. We all are partly responsible for what happened in Santa Barbara and what will happen again in some other city far too soon. We can’t stop all of these crimes from occurring, but we can start talking about how to reduce them one by one.

Let’s Not Pick Sides

CourtneyOMay 21, 2014Comments OffBlog

I feel like I am part of a massive conspiracy on the part of our government to keep all of us fighting amongst ourselves so that we can’t see what is really happening. Democrats believe that their way is best. Republicans believe they have the upper hand. We all argue back and forth on social media, the news, and in blog posts, and I don’t understand what the fight is about or what we think we are going to accomplish.

None of this makes sense to me and watching the politicians makes me realize that the only way they can continue to get away with their total lack of leadership is to cause the people to fight amongst themselves. Every single day on the news or on Facebook I see posts bashing liberals and conservatives and graphs and charts that prove that one side is better than the other. The side that you are on is of course the side that is right. What if we took the argument deeper? Republicans and Democrats aren’t that far apart if you sit down and start having conversations. People are complex and see the world differently but I think we all could try to agree on some basic ideas to help end the useless fighting:

1) Living in the United States should allow you to be free. As long as you aren’t breaking the law, you should be allowed to live your life the way you see fit. That means you can live where you want, drive what you want, work where you want, date who you want, and yep, here it comes, marry whomever you want (and don’t be crazy people I’m just talking about humans marrying humans). We should all be able to agree that law abiding citizens should be rewarded with freedom of choice.

2) You should be able to choose what works best for you and your family in terms of spirituality or religion. The point is to be a good person and treat everyone you meet with kindness. None of us require a book to tell us that but some of us might want it and should feel free to attend church. We should also agree that if you don’t go to church it doesn’t make you a bad person nor does it take away your ability to be ethical.

3) Fiscal responsibility is important for every single person in this country and every single business (that counts the government). The more people that learn to only spend what they have, the better for others. This means that we all have to work unless we are plainly just too sick to work. This means we all have to pay taxes. This means we all have to be responsible for our lives and any children we bring into the world. If we don’t want the big corporations to make so much money then we all have to stop buying their products (yep, there goes your Grande Java Chip Frappuccino).

4) Everyone should have a right to see a doctor when they are sick. We need to work together to make these costs affordable and provide insurance to the people that want it. This is going to require us to stop fighting and start educating people how to use the health care system most efficiently. Whether you agree with it or not, we have a law that needs some revisions or it is going to fail and then we have even bigger problems. We have to work together to get those revisions in place. Start with the things we all agree on and compromise through the rest.

5) There are always going to be people that are down on their luck or need a helping hand. We should provide that helping hand along with education and tools to help them back up so that they can feel good as a contributing member of society. We can’t make this help endless to able bodied people.

6) Having a child is a personal decision. It is not the government’s decision. There are excellent ways to prevent pregnancy and they should be used if you don’t want a child. If you screw this one up (which you shouldn’t), you have to decide what to do next. You have three options. All of them take careful consideration and none of them are easy. If you don’t want to take the risk of getting pregnant, I think you know what not to do.

7) If you have that child, make sure to remember discipline. They need rules, boundaries, structure, and respect for authority. Don’t be afraid to make sure they behave. This doesn’t require beating them but it does require your time. So put down your phone or your wine glass and take care of your children. Please don’t expect teachers or coaches to raise your children. That’s not their job. You children need to be home. With you. Lots.

If we all could agree on some basic principles, it seems like it would be easy to elect leaders that will be ethical and responsible. We need to understand that many of our current leaders are bought and paid for no matter what party they say they are representing. The whole system is broken and until we stand up as Americans and stop fighting each other and demand change, we are stuck with a country that is slowly but surely losing everything it once stood for. We need men and women who understand budgeting and how taxes work. We need accountants and scientists and teachers and stay at home Mom’s to go and run the country. We don’t need any more lawyers or lobbyists in Washington. We need to stop picking sides because the answer is right in the middle staring at all of us. Do your homework, research the candidates, and maybe this time vote for a name you don’t recognize. If we just keep picking the same leaders and get the same lousy results, haven’t we proven that we support insanity?

An Open Letter to My Son

CourtneyOApril 23, 2014Comments OffBlog

Last week you decided to attend the University of Nevada, rent an apartment with a few friends and start the process of next step of your life. This is the one where you will be making decisions without me and creating a life for yourself that won’t require my parenting, but rather my guidance. You seem ready to go now with only seven weeks left of high school and I have never experienced both my heart breaking and my complete pride in you at the same time (except when I watched what I knew was going to be your last at bat in your baseball career and you drove in the winning runs).

You were born in 1996. The world seemed easier to me back then. There wasn’t incredible pressure to breastfeed a newborn and nobody thought twice about circumcision or even vaccines. We followed the advice of our highly trained and educated doctors and things worked out just fine. I nursed you as long as I felt comfortable and then you were fed formula. I look at you now so healthy and strong and have no concerns about my decisions back then. Of course, we fed you lots of fruits and vegetables but some McDonalds might have slipped in there a few times, too and you still seem to be thriving.

I loved the freedom I had as a mother because it allowed me to concentrate on what I knew would matter to me the most – your soul. I didn’t worry about mercury or foreskins like new moms do today (even though maybe I should have) and I’m really glad I didn’t have to do that. Those issues seem so minor to me when I look at you now and realize that you are full of honor, respect, loyalty and a love for family that will guide you well into your adulthood. I disciplined you not with spanking or hitting you but with firm and clear rules and boundaries that I knew you would need to get through life. That discipline started from the moment you were born and continues to this day. When you were young, they started handing out trophies to everyone, but I loved that you never wanted those trophies. In fact, the only ones you have ever kept were the ones you earned because you knew that just merely showing up in life wasn’t good enough. They have taken to calling those trophies for everyone “finisher’s metals” as if merely completing the season is worthy of any recognition.

I made a vow to you when you were born and I still have that paper right here on my desk. That vow reads like this – Drew, I promise to do my best to guide and support you and to respect you enough to allow you to see the world through your own eyes. I promise to be your strength and emotional support until that times come that I have to let you fly.
Well my beautiful son, that time is fast approaching. The graduation announcements are being mailed, plans are in place for your 18th birthday, and your senior pictures are already taken. I have made plenty of mistakes the last 18 years and have held myself accountable to every single one of them, and the amazing thing is you have owned your part too. We have loved, we have fought, we have grown, we have supported one another, we have laughed and we have cried. A few years ago you even walked me down the aisle and although I know it was hard for you to accept another man into your home, you knew it was time to let go of the past and embrace a new future (something you will have to do many times in your life).

I’m so glad that I raised you to open doors for women, to respect people of all ages, to accept everyone and let them be the people they choose to be. I’m relieved that I always had the strength to discipline you and not get caught up in the latest crazes of parenting advice that were based only on self-esteem. You sat through plenty of time-outs and reflected on how you could be a better man. You have been grounded and had things taken away from you and learned that there are certain expectations that you have to meet. You have survived me raising my voice which will help you conquer an unfair world that won’t coddle you for any reason, Son. You have participated in household chores so that you will always know that in the end, there is just you and you have to take care of your business. You slept in your own bed your entire life and even cried it out a time or two as a baby, but you are an amazing sleeper and full of confidence in your emotional decisions. You lived through plenty of disappointments because I didn’t always say yes and never felt that I had to provide a long explanation as to why I said no.

Cheers to your future. I will always be here but you also know that it’s time to put on your big boy pants and start carving out your own life. That means you have to support yourself, make wise choices, and become a financially responsible adult. I know it’s in you. I look forward to watching you put your skills to work. I miss you already and you aren’t even gone.

Love,
Mom

Disappearance of Discipline is Tearing Down the Country

CourtneyOApril 9, 2014Comments OffBlog

I’m starting to believe that the disappearance of discipline is a well thought out strategy by somebody who wants this great nation to collapse. It has been well documented that the emphasis on self esteem that is prevalent in our schools is resulting in college-aged adults who are anxious, depressed, and can’t function without the interference of Mommy and Daddy. College professors are being hounded by parents for grades they are handing out. My own Mom would not have been able to tell you who my college professors were or what my assignments might have been. She expected me to manage my affairs and that was an expectation set when I was very young. She had us make our own school lunches and participate in running the household so that we could somebody run our own households without her financial or physical support. We are all fully capable of doing that and don’t rely on her, or the government or anyone to eat or turn on our lights.

Convincing children that they are amazing and special and at the same time waiting on them hand and foot seems like a funny movie to watch but unfortunately it is being played out in households across this country. Children can demand things from their parents without even a simple please or thank you and we are allowing this because we don’t want to shame them or hurt their self esteem. Where do we think these spoiled, lazy, disrespectful children are going to end up? Do we really believe that they are going to be successful contributors to this nation? Do we think that we can just press a button on them when they turn 18 that will somehow make them hard working respectful adults?

Disciplined and well-mannered children are a must if we want to continue to compete in a competitive world. We have to start fighting back against the things we know will hurt these future adults. We all accept the notion of trophies for everyone at the end of season pizza party, but do we really believe it? Do we really want to reward showing up over accomplishment? What will be the motivation to work hard at a new job if everyone is going to receive the same salary and the same bonus? Even children are starting to scoff at these participation trophies realizing that there is a difference between “showing up” and showing up with the intention to work hard, improve, and even win.

When I read other blogs or Facebook posts about the reasons not to teach manners or have kids do chores, the word discipline is always shunned because it is associated with spanking or hitting. These writers believe that discipline means violence. It doesn’t. Discipline means nothing more than to teach. This teaching should involve structures and boundaries so that children can grow into meaningful adults. I don’t hit any of the six kids that live in our house although I can tell you that they respect authority and leadership because they have been taught to do that. They know that if they are asked to do something that they need to do it or there will be consequences. Just like life. Just like a job. Just like relationships. Our behavior will always have consequences.

We have to fight back against the somebody or the something out there that is trying to make everyone the same by removing discipline from life. We know it doesn’t make sense so we can start today by asking more of our children than we did yesterday. We can ask them to be responsible for their own school work, their lunches, and their laundry and set reasonable peaceful consequences if they don’t step up. It is one small way to show them a successful future that can be achieved through hard work and discipline. We are already far behind with many of these children so we can’t delay another day.

Katie Coombs: Uncommon Sense: 20-somethings are entitled at work

CourtneyOMarch 23, 2014Comments OffBlog

An interesting little fact is starting to creep up for those of us in or near their 40s, and it isn’t a pleasant one. We are paying the price for the entitled 20-somethings who are in the workforce, and we have to fight not to raise our own children the same way.

As a business owner, I already have had to endure on many occasions the shortsighted thinking of the 20s crowd who takes a job and doesn’t appreciate the long-term nature of success, the importance of benefits and the concept of loyalty. It is a generation that has been raised to want it all and want it now (if you don’t believe me, watch them use their phones to solve every problem that arises). It is a generation that didn’t have to check out books from the library and has very little respect for anything that takes time to research or analyze. In the workforce, 20-somethings want the big bucks and they want them now.

The problem with this concept is that they don’t have the job skills to demand the big bucks; they only have a huge self-esteem that doesn’t fit in their desks. Those of us in our 40s have to train and retrain, and train and retrain them as they come in and out of positions, which costs us time and a little bit of sanity.

Other business owners I talk to share the same experiences, and are shocked at how often this age group is leaving good long-term career opportunities. Their resumes are full of jobs where they stayed six to 12 months at the most and in interviews, they constantly remark that they left jobs for more money. A temporary high, really. How much more money? Was it worth losing your health insurance? Was it worth losing the match on that 401(k)? Did you consider the people and their commitment to you? Did you consider the long-term upside potential that would have probably paid you way more in the long run?

In the meantime, those of hanging in our 40s have to pick up the slack for this generation. We were a generation raised before the Internet, cellphones and instant gratification. We had to check out books from the library and actually understood the Dewey Decimal System. We had to read and research thoroughly before answering questions. Our answers were based on fact and not just the opinions of others. We didn’t get ribbons for participating and nobody had a teacher who handed out a homework pass because we merely did what was expected of us. We learned that hard work and long-term planning paid off in the long run and we knew we had to work hard, for years, before we could expect the good life.

Now, we are stuck. Our careers are challenged because it is difficult to find young employees who are looking for hard work. This impacts the workplace and makes us work longer and harder hours. Our young children are being subjected to gobs of self-esteem and everyone constantly telling them how amazing they are, and they firmly believe it. They are used to instant gratification and walk around holding thousands of dollars of technology really designed to make them stupid.

The exhaustion we feel from dealing with the 20s crowd and the teenagers is starting to show. We also have parents who are getting older, and they will need our care and compassion. We aren’t the typical sandwich generation because there is no relief in sight. The next generation is not going to take care of us. We are going to have to take care of them.

How can we possibly change this? The 20s crowd is going to have to face a harsh reality. They will ultimately lose their jobs to people in their 50s who understand loyalty and hard work. We are going to have to let them fall and go back and learn the hard knocks. They will have to work hard like we all did and want for things rather than just get them.

Our younger children still can be saved from this cycle if we back up from the current system and start over. Children don’t need to have technology in their hands at all times. We need to stop them and make them build forts or go outside and run around and be social. They need to be exposed to hard work and chores so that they appreciate how things get done.

We must stop catering to them, or those of us in our 40s are ultimately going to crack under the pressure. We must focus on ourselves in healthy positive ways, and realize that our children don’t need constant extracurricular activity to be happy and healthy. We can stop this train if we admit that we are on it, and stop acting like those of us in their 40s really can carry the burden of society on our own.

Life Defined

CourtneyOFebruary 26, 2014Comments OffBlog

We all believe we have stumbled upon moments in our life that define us or define the meaning of life. We try to learn from them and often times we are humbled by them. If we are willing to learn and grow as people, these moments shape us and help us realize what is truly important in life. We drop the drama and silliness of our youth and become truly productive people that are reliable and trustworthy. Our children, parents, friends and spouses can count on us when we grow from these moments.

For me, until I reached February 18, 2014, the most defining moment of my life came the day my daughter Hannah was born nine weeks premature. I knew she was going to be born early. I knew we both had a risk of losing our life that day. I have never looked at life the same after holding a four pound infant in my arms that had already shown a desire to just be alive. You can’t spend time in the ICU watching babies fight for life and not learn a lesson. If you leave that room and ever act petty again you have missed an opportunity you will never get again. Watching parents say goodbye to a newborn that doesn’t survive gives you depth you didn’t know you were capable of.

I never truly believed anything could touch me more than those days in the ICU. I matured in a way that you almost don’t want to even though my daughter survived and is a thriving and healthy 10-year-old. I never lost the message and still look at her with the same amazed look as I did watching her fight for oxygen in those first days. I remember leaving the hospital with her after a month in the ICU and feeling like no other day could ever teach me more. On February 18, 2014 my newest nephew was born into the world. He carries with him a name that means so much. His middle name is my brother’s – a man I have tremendous respect for. He started his life over and found the love of his life and had another child at the age of 43. No regrets. No questions. And he is already in love with his son. His first name Jonathan gives him very important initials. JK. A man we lost to a horrible accident 2.5 years ago and is still greatly missed today. And then there is the defining moment. Jonathan’s grandfather, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given nine months to live almost four years ago, was able to hold his grandson.

We went and picked my Dad up at his house and had the opportunity to help him into the car and up to that nursery. As a family, and by family I mean my mom (who is his ex-wife), my husband, my kids, my sister, my brother’s ex-wife, and all of Jonathan’s maternal side sat together and watched one generation say hello to the next in the most profound example of the circle of life. I wasn’t just struck by the moment itself but also the people in it. There was no hostility about divorce or lives that went in different directions. My mom and my step-mom were there together and whatever happened between them in the past was of zero significance in the moment they welcomed new life while also painfully knowing they were saying goodbye to the older generation. There was no discussion of failed marriages or disputes that may have caused them. There was just Jonathan. And all of us. And a moment that only the heart can capture. A camera just tells the story frame by frame but not tear by tear. My son and my older nephew were overcome with emotion and stood there two men not afraid to express their true feelings. I love that they feel comfortable doing that. They don’t know it now but that expression of emotion will define them one day as well.

As I write this, my nephew is still in the hospital waiting for his mom to go home and my dad is being visited daily by hospice. It is a roller coaster of emotions and most of them are amazing and defining. It strengthens everyone involved and reminds us once again what is truly precious in life. All of the buzzing around us is just noise – simple and mostly useless noise. The heart is what matters. Love and hope. Life and death. The rest is just the minor detail that fills in the gaps between the moments that truly define your life. My advice to my own children is to not over live in the noise but to instead wait for the opportunities to show who they really are when life calls on them to shine.

Marriage is Not for Me

CourtneyONovember 5, 2013Comments OffBlog

There is a great article rolling around the internet with the title “Marriage is not for Me.” At first glance, it appears that the author doesn’t believe in marriage, but when you read the entire story, he is basically saying that marriage is not about you, but about your partner. You are making a commitment to love and honor another person and if they give you the same focus in return, the marriage is going to survive all of life’s challenges.

I haven’t been able to get this out of my mind as I look around our world and worry about all of the things that are going wrong. At the basic foundation of everything that is negative, is the fact that so many people are focused on what will make their own life happy rather than those around them. We find this problem in Washington especially where it all about political party rather than what is in the best interest of the country. The truth, which is a little thing that is supposed to be used for those we care about, has been replaced by the spin. If something gets said that isn’t truthful, we are learning from our leaders that we just need to put a spin on what we said, and all is well again in the world. You can’t spin in a great marriage, or in a great partnership, you can only focus on the truth and your partner if you want an amazing future.

The problem with focusing on our own happiness and rather than the happiness of everyone around us is that in the end, nobody ends up happy without an emphasis on community and family. What if we all started focusing on giving of ourselves without worrying about what we will get in return? What if everyone was doing that together? I envision a happy society where the hungry are fed and the divorce starts dropping rapidly because caring about one another leads to intimate relationships that won’t end.

A successful business thrives in exactly the same way. If the owners focus on their employees and their clients instead of how to line their own pocket books, everybody succeeds. A community thrives when business succeeds and so do families when stress starts to decrease and doing for others creates a feeling of unity.

Marriage is not just for you. It is for your spouse. Your children. Your entire family. Every divorce I have ever seen, including my own, can be tied to one person focusing too much on their own needs, rather than the needs of their partner. It is a simple thing to change if one commits to others.

We have to get away from so much emphasis on self-esteem and self-worth as it is destroying our country. I hear parents complaining all of the time about how “slower” students are slowing down their own child’s experience in a classroom. Shouldn’t we encourage our children to help the slower students? Which in turn provides an education in the most important part of their own life – developing close relationships?

In our house, where eight people have to share resources and compromise all of the time, I am often reminded of the quote “the great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” I do enjoy that quote, but I honestly feel that if everyone is learning to focus on what is in the best interest of their entire family, nothing unfair can occur. People can only learn empathy and patience when they are doing for others.

As we watch our divorce rate remain close to 50% and our government crack apart slowly but surely, I know the only solution is to stop being so concerned about our own happiness, and reach out and help others every day. Of course, you have to be cautious of the people that will only take from you and never give until they learn the basics of giving to others as well. But maybe your love and compassion will show them what life is really supposed to be about.

Marriage is not for me. It is for my husband and for my family.