Ok future womb-mate, it’s just about go time! I want you to know that, much as I will enjoy our time together, I will have zero problems handing you over to your parents. You see, I’ve done this before! Ok, not EXACTLY this, but similar. When I was 20 I had an unplanned pregnancy. In the first (and perhaps only) completely unselfish act of my life, I decided that I was in NO way prepared to be a mother, much less a single one, so I had a beautiful baby boy and gave him up to a wonderful couple. Here’s the big, fat, looming, makes-ALL-the-difference, exception in this situation: from day one, minute one, even before you’re you, you do not belong to me. In any way. You’re a 7.5 lb bag of groceries that took a long time to get to its destination. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m going to love you and cherish you and hug you and call you George…wait, not George! But the rest. And when the day is over, I’m going to go home to my boys that look like me and act like me and belong to me. I’ll miss you hanging around in me, but it won’t be the kind of missing that crushes your entire being into a tiny wad of sensitivity, it’ll be normal.
Tag: future
Adjusting to the Pain of Children Leaving the Nest
My first child was born when I was only 23 years old. I felt ready at the time and my knowledge of parenting was that babies were sweet and cuddly and just adorable. I even thought that pregnancy was a magical time in life with the baby kicking and everyone just getting excited about the upcoming birth. There would be cute baby clothes at showers thrown by family and friends, and the excitement of finding out if we were expecting a son or a daughter. All of these things held true to a point, but nobody really ever talked about the hard parts of pregnancy. The appearance of swollen feet and water retaining fingers was a surprise that ultimately resulted in my wedding band being cut from my finger. The appearance of bloody noses out of nowhere and the total discomfort as I got bigger were also a shock as I slowly lost the capacity to take any good deep breaths. I actually broke a toe on my right foot hitting a table during the first signs of labor that proved to be rather uncomfortable for the long days in the hospital that were about to follow.
I still remember writing the sweetest birthing plan that would consist of all of my favorite music and a peaceful setting where special breathing and synchronized pushing would result in a beautiful birth. My son was indeed born. I just didn’t expect the emergency C-section and the stitches that followed and the long scary nights where I even wondered if I could take care of him in some of my desperate moments. As other friends of mine started getting married and having children, I tried my best to prepare them for some of the realities as they, too were only living the fairy tale that they had seen in movies. None of their friends or family members wanted to tell them some of the harsh truths. People would ask me what it was like to be pregnant and a mother and I would always ask them if they wanted the fairy tale answer or the truth. I never quite understood why women kept these harder moments from each other as we could all be such a resource for the difficult times. Complaining about the difficulties of parenting does not make you a bad mother it makes you a very honest and concerned one.
I felt equally unprepared for the departure of my son for college last week. I have been struggling all year as the moments of his senior year passed by. There were senior sunrises, yearbook dedications, homecoming dances, senior pictures, prom, senior sunrise, awards nights, and finally graduation. All of these things were meant to slowly prepare me for the reality that he was going to move out. That room was going to be empty and clean for the first time in 18 years. There would no longer be an unmade bed that made me growl a little some mornings, or shoes scattered all over the floor. There would no longer be more hidden dirty clothes that would mess up my perfect laundry completion plan. There would just be a room with a few old baseball bats left over and a drawer full of some special mementos that he knew he wouldn’t have room for at his new apartment. I became the expert at choking back tears all year long and have gotten so good at it that a simple sip of water wards off the big streams that are on their way.
I never had a friend or a family member prepare me for this feeling of loss and closure on this part of his life. It hurts and he has only been gone one week. The reward a parent receives for raising an independent adult is a broken heart and a proud soul. There is nothing more pleasing than seeing your son decide to further his education and make the choice to go live as an adult responsible for his own laundry, cooking, social decisions and curfew. As a mom, trying to go to bed at night not knowing where your son is for the time in 18 years results in an emptiness that can hardly be described in words. It is something that every parent must face and I just want you to know that the pain is real and you should feel comfortable telling your friends that your miss your child whether they live 30 minutes away or 10 hours away. It is tough to close the door on years of mentoring another human being that you love deeply, simply so that they will actually leave your home and start their own life. Take time to prepare yourself for it and allow yourself to grieve the change that has occurred. It’s okay to cry and you don’t have to be tough about one bit of it. There is no medal for the mom that looks the happiest when her child leaves for college.
To my own mom, I bet I didn’t call you enough when I should have when I moved out and I know I didn’t think about what you must have been feeling. For that I am sorry all of these years later. And Mom, if you get the chance, tell your grandson to check in with me when he can because every call brings a moment of hope that is needed during these hard weeks and months as I adjust to a home without his laughter and amazing presence.
A Few Thoughts to the Graduating Class of 2014
Congratulations to all of you as you finish your high school career and prepare for the next step in your life. Hopefully, you are stepping. Either stepping out of the door to go work and find a place of your own or going on to some type of higher education so that you can feed yourself and your family someday. The generation before you has relied heavily on their parents to take care of them and many of them still live at home at 25 or 30 years old. No matter how you were raised, you need to snicker and tell yourself you aren’t going to expect your Mom and Dad to fund your every meal anymore.
This has been a tricky time to grow up. Since you were about 10 years old, a little company called Apple began producing phones that put the internet in your hands and completely changed the way you communicate with your friends and even your parents. You need to know that if you really want to succeed in life, you are going to have to learn to communicate looking people in the eye. You can’t text an employer your answers in the middle of an interview and you can’t dance with your partner over the phone. I suggest you take every class you can and even read books on communication to help you overcome what this technology has done to you.
The whole time you have been on this planet, you have been handed trophies and ribbons for every sport you participated in. We have not helped you at all by doing this. You will not get awards ever again without earning them the hard way and this may seem unfair to you when you look at your dresser that is right now covered in bobble head trophies. Those trophies were handed to you just because your parents signed you up. The rest of your life you will have to achieve certain goals and criteria to be awarded. Like it or not, that’s the way it is and you would do your own future children lots of good if you work to eliminate this trophy practice.
You have seen things on the internet that were way too mature for your eyes and try not to let this scar your future relationships. Whether you are male or female, you have to treat people with respect in order to get that third or second date. Don’t be afraid to hold a door open for a woman, young men. If she gets offended, she just might not be the right one for you. Chivalry is an important part of finding the right partner and don’t let our current society talk you out of it. Your table manners really matter. Practice them right now if you haven’t before and learn how to set a table and when to use a salad fork. There will always be something very attractive about well-mannered people.
You have been unfairly judged by test scores more than any generation before you. Your success will be directly correlated to how hard you work and well you treat the people you work with. Yes, you will need to read or write but don’t think that your Map Testing scores from 6th grade are going to ever play a role in your future. They aren’t. You will now be placed according to your common sense, work ethic, and overall personality instead of some number on paper. The faster you figure this out the more likely you are to succeed.
Even though adults have told you how amazing you are your entire life, the faster you accept that you are just like everyone else the better things will go for you. You can prevent tremendous amounts of future anxiety and social blunders if you treat everyone equally and also don’t expect the world to bow down to your amazing self. You are just a person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Nobody owes you anything and you do not deserve a certain lifestyle or car or house. You will have to work hard for those things no matter how amazing you think you are.
If your over-bearing parents try to step in and tell your future employers or college professors how to treat you, do everyone a favor and say no the first time it comes up. Your parents may have unfortunately been such good friends with you for so long that they can’t stand to see you suffer. It’s ok if you suffer a little bit and it’s ok to tell your parents that you are an adult and you don’t need their intervention. The faster you become independent from them the better you will feel about yourself. But you should still call them and say hello and I love you from time to time. They worked hard to get you this far.
And finally, to those really smart graduates who didn’t enjoy high school because they weren’t in the “cool” crowd, I have excellent news for you. Those people that thought they were better than you and even made you feel small are about to start the journey to their 10 year high school reunion. When they arrive, they are going to look a little weathered and you are going to look sharp. You “nerds” as they called you, will be the future doctors, lawyers, scientists, and accountants that will make this world go around. The “proud” crowd will be working for you and high school was the time they peaked in life. You don’t want to peak at 18. Shoot for 40 or even 50! Your hard work and studying will pay off in a way that will have made all those awkward years of high school well worth it. Plus, you are the ones that gave the graduation speeches and ran off with all of the scholarship money.
Good luck to all of you. You have a little bit to overcome from the things that existed when you were born, but it can be done. I’m counting on you as there are too many baby boomers to take care of and we need your help. I’ve given up on most of the 25-30 year olds so I’m holding out hope for you.