Category: Blog

9/30/2014

askkatiecoombsSeptember 10, 2014Comments OffBlog, Chris

Today our appointment is to see how Katie’s ovaries are responding to the medication she’s been taking. For almost a week now, she’s been injecting herself in the abdomen with two shots, twice daily. I, as proclaimed earlier, have become a master mixing, dosing and timing expert. But, I do feel bad for Katie after I prepare each morning or evening cocktail because she then has to inject them. Her belly is a bit bruised from previous shots. I should also point out that she has been nothing but pleasant to be around considering her body is coursing with excessive hormones and medications. So……good on ya Kate! We go to the appointment and Katie gets an ultrasound to determine how many follicles are growing in her ovaries. Similar to earlier experiences, Katie thinks there is going to be some problem, I know there won’t be one. And……the ultrasound proves me correct once again (Ahem.) as Katie’s ovaries do indeed have growing follicles. At this point she has 6-8 follicles which, as my pea brain understands it, means there are potentially 6-8 eggs. Also, there is still an opportunity for more follicles to develop. The doctor’s office gives us a break from our scheduled appointment tomorrow, but wants us to come in for our appointment in two days.

Myrtle – That’s a perfect number of eggs. Just what I thought you would have. Awesome!

#2 – Good job mom

Adjusting to the Pain of Children Leaving the Nest

CourtneyOAugust 27, 2014Comments OffBlog

My first child was born when I was only 23 years old. I felt ready at the time and my knowledge of parenting was that babies were sweet and cuddly and just adorable. I even thought that pregnancy was a magical time in life with the baby kicking and everyone just getting excited about the upcoming birth. There would be cute baby clothes at showers thrown by family and friends, and the excitement of finding out if we were expecting a son or a daughter. All of these things held true to a point, but nobody really ever talked about the hard parts of pregnancy. The appearance of swollen feet and water retaining fingers was a surprise that ultimately resulted in my wedding band being cut from my finger. The appearance of bloody noses out of nowhere and the total discomfort as I got bigger were also a shock as I slowly lost the capacity to take any good deep breaths. I actually broke a toe on my right foot hitting a table during the first signs of labor that proved to be rather uncomfortable for the long days in the hospital that were about to follow.

I still remember writing the sweetest birthing plan that would consist of all of my favorite music and a peaceful setting where special breathing and synchronized pushing would result in a beautiful birth. My son was indeed born. I just didn’t expect the emergency C-section and the stitches that followed and the long scary nights where I even wondered if I could take care of him in some of my desperate moments. As other friends of mine started getting married and having children, I tried my best to prepare them for some of the realities as they, too were only living the fairy tale that they had seen in movies. None of their friends or family members wanted to tell them some of the harsh truths. People would ask me what it was like to be pregnant and a mother and I would always ask them if they wanted the fairy tale answer or the truth. I never quite understood why women kept these harder moments from each other as we could all be such a resource for the difficult times. Complaining about the difficulties of parenting does not make you a bad mother it makes you a very honest and concerned one.

I felt equally unprepared for the departure of my son for college last week. I have been struggling all year as the moments of his senior year passed by. There were senior sunrises, yearbook dedications, homecoming dances, senior pictures, prom, senior sunrise, awards nights, and finally graduation. All of these things were meant to slowly prepare me for the reality that he was going to move out. That room was going to be empty and clean for the first time in 18 years. There would no longer be an unmade bed that made me growl a little some mornings, or shoes scattered all over the floor. There would no longer be more hidden dirty clothes that would mess up my perfect laundry completion plan. There would just be a room with a few old baseball bats left over and a drawer full of some special mementos that he knew he wouldn’t have room for at his new apartment. I became the expert at choking back tears all year long and have gotten so good at it that a simple sip of water wards off the big streams that are on their way.

I never had a friend or a family member prepare me for this feeling of loss and closure on this part of his life. It hurts and he has only been gone one week. The reward a parent receives for raising an independent adult is a broken heart and a proud soul. There is nothing more pleasing than seeing your son decide to further his education and make the choice to go live as an adult responsible for his own laundry, cooking, social decisions and curfew. As a mom, trying to go to bed at night not knowing where your son is for the time in 18 years results in an emptiness that can hardly be described in words. It is something that every parent must face and I just want you to know that the pain is real and you should feel comfortable telling your friends that your miss your child whether they live 30 minutes away or 10 hours away. It is tough to close the door on years of mentoring another human being that you love deeply, simply so that they will actually leave your home and start their own life. Take time to prepare yourself for it and allow yourself to grieve the change that has occurred. It’s okay to cry and you don’t have to be tough about one bit of it. There is no medal for the mom that looks the happiest when her child leaves for college.

To my own mom, I bet I didn’t call you enough when I should have when I moved out and I know I didn’t think about what you must have been feeling. For that I am sorry all of these years later. And Mom, if you get the chance, tell your grandson to check in with me when he can because every call brings a moment of hope that is needed during these hard weeks and months as I adjust to a home without his laughter and amazing presence.

Flunking the Rules of Civility

CourtneyOAugust 20, 2014Comments OffBlog

When I first started doing my radio show about two years ago, I had a panel of guests of various ages who discussed the Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior that George Washington had copied for a school assignment at the age of 16. The 110 rules were originally written by French Jesuits in 1595 and at their core really describe a life focused on other people rather than self-interests. How far we have come in 419 years, and it’s not a road well-traveled.

In the last 20 years, the emphasis in the schools, and now at home, has been on self-esteem and self-worth, and the value of learning to focus on others has slipped away. Teachers and parents alike are tip-toeing around kids and their unruly behaviors so that they don’t feel shamed by manners and discipline. Is it working? If we look around we see spoiled disrespectful brats in most restaurants, schools and on athletic teams. These kids wouldn’t lift a finger to help their parents without arguing about it first or proclaiming how unfair it is to have to help support the daily grind of operating a house. Parents are exhausted and overwhelmed by these children and know they have created monsters but don’t know what to do. If that is your household, then I would suggest establishing the rules of civility in your home.

The next time you all sit down to dinner (which needs to be quite often if you want to raise well adjusted adults), I encourage you to start reading from the following list and get your children to explain what these rules mean and how they intend to start implementing them in your home. These conversations can be useful for kids ages five on up and you will be surprised how much your kids want the structure that might be lacking in your home.

Here are some of my favorites from the Rules of Civility that can change your household and get your otherwise lazy and entitled children on the right path:

Rule 6 Speak not when others Speak, Sit not when others Stand, speak not when you should hold Peace, walk not on when others stop.

Ask your children what this means to them. This is a rule about showing respect and using manners. There is no shame in either of those characteristics. Have each of your children tell you one way they can practice this rule starting today that will make a difference in your home. Suggest to them that this rule means that all electronics are to be turned off when the family is eating together (and that includes yours as well!).

Rule 40 Strive not with your Superiors in Argument, but always Submit your Judgment to Others with Modesty.

Imagine a home where the teenagers actually consider that they don’t know it all and that they should be respectful when expressing their opinions. The tricky part about these rules is that we have to lead by example here so the adults have to follow them as well! Ask your children how they can get along better with everybody in the household by having them name one thing they can do differently each day.

Rule 52 In your Apparel be Modest and endeavor to accommodate Nature, rather than to procure Admiration. Keep to the Fashions of your equals Such as are Civil and orderly with respect to Times and Places.

Don’t we all long for a world where people dress appropriately and children are excited to look and act mature? I used to love getting dressed up to travel on an airplane when I was a child and miss that experience now. Ask your children to go an entire week without arguing with you about what they are wearing to school or out for an evening and show you that they understand modesty.

Rule 56 Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for tis better to be alone than in bad Company.

Encourage your children to list three qualities that they believe are important to have a successful life and ask them to name three friends that have the same qualities. Encourage them to develop these relationships with people that will encourage them to make good decisions.

These are just a handful of the 110 rules and as I read them all, it is frightening to think about how badly our society has strayed away from them. We can’t be afraid to go back to them and start encouraging respect, manners, courtesy and modesty in order to get our children on the right path. Today we are flunking the rules of civility but we don’t have to be. Start with one rule at a time and get your children involved in the discussion. Write down what is important to you as a person and as a family and set a goal of implementing one new rule each week. A family without respect will fail and a society without civility will crumble…. It is only just a matter of time.

A Back to School Guide for Parents

CourtneyOAugust 13, 2014Comments OffBlog

Whether we’re ready or not, it’s that time of year again and many of our children have already returned to school, or will be returning to school this week. It’s always a stressful week of preparation and change for all households as the lighter summer schedule disappears and the more structured school day returns. We all think about what we need to do to prepare our children to go back to school, but this is a list for preparing yourself (the parent) for the changes ahead. For the first time in my life, I am sending one off to college, one to her second year of high school, and our younger four all still off to the elementary school (two of them starting their last year there). It’s important that I note my stress as a parent and prepare myself accordingly.

First off, it is important that we pay attention to our own sleep levels. It goes without saying that children need to be going to bed at a set time during the school year, but so do parents. We’re overwhelmed with switching gears from summer to school time, and we need to account for that by getting more sleep so we can be ready for the tasks ahead.

You should be expecting to be bombarded with the task of getting school supplies for your child. They will not be inexpensive and you need to prepare in advance for that. The teachers will need you to be on your game here and get the supplies on time. Imagine how overwhelming it is for them to receive those supplies for 30 plus students all at once, but even worse would be to get those supplies to them late and have them trying to account for who has turned in what supplies. Respect the position that the teacher is in with this chaos and make a commitment to complete all of these tasks on time just how you are asked to do it. Your teacher already knows how expensive school supplies are so there isn’t a need to complain to them. They are spending way more than you to prepare their classrooms for the school year and their time during the first few weeks can be better spent getting to know your child rather than tracking down the two inch binders you were supposed to provide.

No matter how hard it is for you to accept, your child has been placed in a class with many hours of thought behind it. The schools have done their best to make sure your child is with a friend or two and has been matched with the teacher that best suits their learning style. You can spend hours or even days worrying about this, but that time can be much better spent volunteering in the classroom and getting to know your new teacher rather than texting your friends or meeting with the administration so that you can complain about your selected teacher. They don’t get to pick the parents they want to deal with and I can promise you that they have way more concern about the group of parents they now will be managing than you do about their specific teaching style. Trust the system and help the teachers.

It is important from the first day of school or even at the ice cream social where you meet your teacher to be respectful of their time. When you meet your teacher and give them the supplies you have carefully selected, realize that there are 30 other parents that need to do the same thing. If every parent insists on 10 minutes with the teacher, it would take hours to do a simple meet and greet. Recognize that meet and greet means just that. “Mrs. Smith, this is my daughter Hannah. She is looking forward to seeing you on Monday. We are going to enjoy some ice cream now and will see you next week.” This is not the time to explain every little nuance regarding your child and where you think they should sit in the classroom and how they only like to sit with their best friend. In reality, you probably don’t need to explain any of that to the teacher. They will learn all of this in the first few hours of the school day just by observing your child.

I think it’s very important to make sure that someone from your household goes to the open house that is held in the first few weeks. This is your opportunity to learn the rules of the classroom that you can help reinforce at home. This is your chance to sign up to volunteer in the classroom and also set your time for the first parent teacher conference of the year. These are all very important tasks and if you go to the open house, you can save the teacher the struggle of tracking you down for all of this at a later date. The more time a teacher spends tracking you down, the less time he/she has to teach your child. If you do your part, the classroom runs more efficiently and your need to communicate and interrupt teaching time goes down.

Finally, if you are going to communicate with your teacher, think long and hard about that communication. If you have a legitimate concern about your child, the most effective thing you can is to ask your teacher for a time to meet. Authoring a two page e-mail in the middle of the day is counter-productive for you and the teacher that has to read it. Sending an e-mail that your son has a play date after school and needs to ride a different bus home is poor planning on your part and unfair to the teacher that now has to manage your social life. Think very carefully every time you sit down to write an e-mail. Your e-mail is an interruption for a hard-working teacher and it is important that you make sure that interruption is for a worthy cause. The more respect you show for teachers that are working hard to educate your children, the more likely your child will succeed this year. The more you stay out of your child’s daily tasks at school, the more likely they are to take charge of their life today and in the future. Taking time to prepare yourself for the school year is one important step to ensuring success for teachers and showing your child a path of independence and responsibility.

I’d Rather Not Be Right

CourtneyOJuly 30, 2014Comments OffBlog

We were talking about the way that different people deal with conflict and she said “you have to choose to either be right or to be intimate.” The statement resonated with me as I looked at different aspects of my life.

I wasn’t raised in a world of right and wrong like so many people were. I hear people all of the time say things like “you are right, I was wrong,” and I never really understand it. We all bring different perspectives to the table and nobody is ever truly right or truly wrong. One of the hardest questions I have ever been asked in my life by a very intelligent friend was “what was your 50 percent responsibility to your divorce?” It’s not that I didn’t feel responsible for my divorce, but at the time I was angry and sad and it was easier to point fingers than look inside myself for that answer. Once I answered it in my own heart and mind, it allowed me to have a closer relationship than I would have otherwise with my ex-husband. I chose to be intimate instead of right.

I watch all of the political fighting going on in our world today and the same thing comes to mind. What if the two sides stopped focusing on being right, and instead focused on getting along and building their relationships? Not only would the politicians benefit from living this way, but the whole world would be a more functional place. Everyone is focused on which side is “right,” rather than forging intimate relationships for the good of all. The social media sites are full of people screaming at one another about why they are right rather than people seeking common ground to find solutions. It is happening right now in the Gaza Strip and clearly it is time to admit that nobody is going to agree on who is right but perhaps they should figure out how to stop the killing of innocent people.

I sat my kids down last week and asked them what this meant to them. Would they rather be right or have close relationships with one another? It stopped them all in their tracks. The last few days when a small argument has ensued, I have asked them if they want to be right or close rather than try to intervene and determine who is at fault. My daughters, all on their own, found a solution to sharing some shirts they both like to wear but had been arguing over for several months. My younger daughter, who would admit her stubbornness and feistiness, is now keeping all of the shirts in her sister’s room since she knows she can borrow them at any time. They chose to be close, rather than focus on who was right and who was wrong. No more fighting and everyone felt good, not right.

This little sentence is changing my entire perspective. I would always rather be close than be right. People that are right just end up right. They end up alone and isolated. I don’t know if they even feel good being “right” once they have established in their own minds that they are indeed “right.” The people that they have made feel “wrong” have a lost a pound of their flesh and a part of their soul because they realize they can’t be close to the “right” person.

I’d rather not be right. I choose intimate relationships where people can make mistakes and learn and grow and compromise. Try asking your kids if they would rather be right or close the next time a fight ensues. It might just change your life, and theirs as well.

A Letter to My Employees

CourtneyOJuly 16, 2014Comments OffBlog

In the 18 years that I have owned my own business and been your employer, I have never had this conversation with any of you. In light of the recent news regarding health insurance benefits and coverage, I think it is time I explain my thought process as I sit down with my partner each year to go over the health insurance renewal options we are presented. I saw a couple of you in the hall the other day having a respectful debate about the Hobby Lobby decision and could tell that you were really having a debate about abortion and Obamacare and not health insurance benefits.

One of the promises we make to you as your employer when we sit down at the conference table with all of the options in front of us is to never bring our personal politics or beliefs to that table. Before Obamacare and after, we have always faced premium increases each year and had to either accept that or try to find another carrier with similar coverage and lower premiums, or absorb the increase ourselves. Through the years we have done both as long as we didn’t decrease your benefits in any way. Moving forward, those premium increases may be bigger or they may be smaller with the new law changes, but either way we have always felt the obligation to provide you (our employees) with health insurance benefits that would best protect you and your family. We want you to be healthy and happy. We respect you as people and we need you working at your best to serve our clients – effective health insurance contributes to your overall well being.

You will never have to worry that my political party affiliation, or my religious beliefs, will be brought up when those decisions are being made. We are all entitled to believe what we feel is right and those beliefs come from a lifetime lived by each one of us. We all have different parents with different backgrounds and have grown up influenced by a myriad of different things. How can I be an effective employer if I don’t honor those differences and respect your life journey, and how you arrived as an employee for our company? Our company functions like a family and our clients benefit from that because we do respect everybody in this company. We don’t single people out for living with someone when they aren’t married, having a child too young, getting divorced or dating someone of the same gender. Honestly, as your employer I don’t think about it all. I just want you to be as peaceful as you can be working for our company. As long as you aren’t breaking the law, we intend to stay out of every decision you make outside of these doors.

Last year we were given an opportunity to renew our premiums before Obamacare was effective. It was a lower increase if we acted prior to January 1. As we do each year, we looked at all of the carriers and premiums before we arrived at our decision. The only reason that I even looked at the list of doctors and prescriptions was to be sure that everybody was going to be covered if we made a change. I am aware of some of the health issues that you have because I work with you and we refused to change if it was going to impact you in any way. We feel that way because you are the life of our business. If I was going to subject you or your benefits to my personal or religious feelings on any issue, I would be disrespecting how hard you work every day to get up and get kids off to school and then show up here to make sure our clients are getting the best possible service.

I would feel this way if I had two employees or 50,000. You would all be human beings that deserve effective leadership no matter how big our company might be, or what services we deliver. I don’t care if you are a young employee or one of the top paid managers. You all deserve my best efforts to lead this company. My best efforts will keep things like government and religion and bias out of the workplace. You don’t want it here impacting you and neither do I. We show up each day as a team to accomplish tasks that will better all of our lives. We don’t show up to judge each other or fight over who is right or who is wrong in how they choose to live their lives.

When we pick the health insurance benefits for you, we will find the most comprehensive plan we can and let the insurance company decide on the particulars of each of the prescription drugs and doctors. If they just so happen to cover a pill that assists with abortion, I leave it up to you as to whether or not you want to use that benefit. My only concern is to make sure that if you are sick, you will be covered. We will make sure your doctor or specialist is available through the plan we select. We will absorb increases if we have to so that you can pay your bills and feed your family. We will not push our political or religious agenda on you in any way. If we start doing that, we have lost our ability to lead and shouldn’t be your employer. Thank you for working here. You can rest easy tonight knowing that we will always honor this commitment to keep out of your personal life whether we agree with it or not.

Graduation Highlights the Importance of Blending Families

CourtneyOJune 25, 2014Comments OffBlog

With each passing year of my life, I feel for parents more and more. I had no idea the emotions that I would experience as a parent watching my children travel through each phase of their life and how happy and sad I could be at the same moment when they hit certain milestones. In the last three days, I watched my son graduate from high school and hosted a big graduation party to celebrate him. The next day was Father’s Day where we celebrated my husband, ex-husband, and my step-dad for all of their contributions to the lives of all of the kids and adults that live in our home. Early Monday morning, it was off to the DMV so that my daughter could get her learner’s permit. It was a whirlwind weekend full of emotions, milestones, change and tears. I even found myself choked up in the DMV, which was a first.

The highlight of the weekend was watching all of the members of my family work together to celebrate my son. His step-dad (my husband) spent countless hours preparing the yard for the party and getting everything ready and cleaned up. His dad (my ex-husband) and I worked together for weeks to prepare a slide show of his life that included pictures from our marriage together, and then pictures from our second marriages and the blended families that resulted. All of us went to dinner together after graduation – step brothers and sisters, step- parents, parents, grand step-parents, brothers, sisters. To my son, this is just his family. It is not a sad and awkward tale of divorce, but instead a real and true picture of life and the adult decisions that impact children but shouldn’t destroy them. This is all he has ever known since the day he was born. My own parents were divorced when I was 11 and his first memories include step-grandparents and grandparents, but to him it was all just more Grandpas and Grandmas to love.

Sadly, many families don’t operate like this and children are forced into confronting and handling adult decisions that really have nothing to do with them. Most of us have seen all sides of nasty divorces in our lives, and it is hard to understand why adults choose for kids to live and feel tension and anger. Children have nothing to do with why adults divorce. Some children are relieved when their parents get divorced after years of fighting or obvious unhappiness. Others are surprised but want nothing more than their lives to go on peacefully while the adults handle the adults’ problems. Divorce is a sad and difficult part of life that still occurs in almost 50% of households across our country. I have been asked so many times why I got divorced from my first husband and the question always give me a little laugh since it really doesn’t have an easy answer. If I tried to answer it in one sentence, I don’t believe I would be holding both of us accountable to what happened. The best guess I can give for why I got divorced and why I think most people get divorced is that we were born and subsequently our lives started happening. There are so many factors that play into divorce – personality, families, careers, handling of finances, communication, economics, friends, and differences that come up when children are born. There are lots of ways that marriages end, but most of share common ground in why we got divorced.

When my ex-husband and I decided to get divorced, it was a very hard and sad decision, but we sat down together and worked out a solution that would that would split up the assets and make sure that our kids would have what they needed no matter where they were sleeping. We didn’t need an attorney to explain that to us so we didn’t use one. We split everything in half because that is the law and we developed a schedule for our kids in case we ever needed a document to tell us what was in their best interest (which we don’t). We work together to discuss holidays and birthdays and vacations until we know we have found what works for everyone involved (and that includes his step-kids and my step-kids). We do this because we love our children and decided years ago it would be ridiculous to spend any more time discussing or fighting about why we got divorced. We knew it was irrelevant to our kids and I believe that is the case for almost every divorce out there.

We aren’t amazing people for doing this. We are just parents who decided to focus on our children and nothing else. We both believe that the other is a good and capable parent which means that any other part of our life doesn’t need to be discussed. When we start to get off track from time to time, we give each other space and we always come back together with what is best for our children. Adults need to acknowledge that adult problems require adult communication to arrive at adult decisions. That is all it takes to have an amicable divorce. You can strongly dislike your ex-spouse but love your children enough to end up sitting together at a dinner someday celebrating a big milestone like a graduation. You can show your children that mature adults can guide them through life no matter how much blending goes on in their family. The key is to blend everyone, love equally, and make sure the kids are allowed to be kids while the adults are acting like adults.

It’s Long Past Time to Portray Fathers as Leaders

CourtneyOJune 18, 2014Comments OffUncategorized

Every year I dread the annual walk into the Father’s Day card aisle. I’m not the only woman who feels this way either. The aisle is loaded with cards about fathers who lay on the couch all day in a frantic search for the remote or spend hours every day fishing with their buddies. I stand there trapped as I look for a card for my husband, my ex-husband, my step-dad, my father in-law, my brother, and up until my Dad’s death in March, a card for him as well. Most of the cards don’t fit any of them or any Dad I know for that matter. There are always the gushy ones to choose from, but the ones with any humor mostly portray men as lazy and useless in the household.

I think back to my childhood and some of the shows that we watched back in the 1970’s – Little House on the Prairie, The Brady Bunch, Eight is Enough and The Walton’s. The fathers in those shows were portrayed as leaders of the family and they helped guide and shape their children. They treated their wives with respect and even though the male and female roles were more traditional in the 1970’s, couples worked together as co-leaders to run the household and help the children daily.

As time passed, and women continued to further their careers, television made a drastic switch and these older shows got replaced with sitcoms like The Cosby Show, The Simpson’s, Married with Children, and The Family Guy. These are all popular shows that ran for years and men are all portrayed as aloof and incapable of being a leader in the home. The American mindset slowly began shifting and believing that men are unable to handle multiple tasks and women are much more capable of handling work responsibilities and children than men can be. The media has been portraying it for years and Hallmark seems to support the notion as well. As a wife and a mother, I feel like we have to do all that we can to undo this mindset and teach our boys what a true Father is capable of.

Manners. Morals. Respect. Character. Common Sense. Trust. Patience. Class. Integrity. Love. These are just a few of the items that I believe fathers should list on what they are responsible for teaching their kids each day. Of course, women have the same responsibility but television and Hallmark already portray us as the ones capable of such tasks. It is the men that have been portrayed so poorly and they all don’t deserve it.

I know so many men that work all day and come home and handle all of the responsibilities of home just like their wives do. They are running kids all over town and participating in daily conversations with their children to help guide them down the right path. To all of those hard-working men, Happy Father’s Day (the card you get might not portray it as well as it should). To those men who look and act more like Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin, watch those shows again and remember that they are only cartoons. Those children in those shows aren’t turning out well at all and the lack of a leader as a father plays a significant roll. That father doesn’t have to be the biological father because life doesn’t always turn out that way. That leader can be any man that is family, or a friend, who wants to take the time to show children that men can lead at work and at home. Men can teach them how to show feelings and provide nurturing in a time of need. The media and the card aisles aren’t going to help you here at all men. You have to show this leadership one day at a time until society gives you the credit you deserve.

A Few Thoughts to the Graduating Class of 2014

CourtneyOJune 12, 2014Comments OffBlog

Congratulations to all of you as you finish your high school career and prepare for the next step in your life. Hopefully, you are stepping. Either stepping out of the door to go work and find a place of your own or going on to some type of higher education so that you can feed yourself and your family someday. The generation before you has relied heavily on their parents to take care of them and many of them still live at home at 25 or 30 years old. No matter how you were raised, you need to snicker and tell yourself you aren’t going to expect your Mom and Dad to fund your every meal anymore.

This has been a tricky time to grow up. Since you were about 10 years old, a little company called Apple began producing phones that put the internet in your hands and completely changed the way you communicate with your friends and even your parents. You need to know that if you really want to succeed in life, you are going to have to learn to communicate looking people in the eye. You can’t text an employer your answers in the middle of an interview and you can’t dance with your partner over the phone. I suggest you take every class you can and even read books on communication to help you overcome what this technology has done to you.

The whole time you have been on this planet, you have been handed trophies and ribbons for every sport you participated in. We have not helped you at all by doing this. You will not get awards ever again without earning them the hard way and this may seem unfair to you when you look at your dresser that is right now covered in bobble head trophies. Those trophies were handed to you just because your parents signed you up. The rest of your life you will have to achieve certain goals and criteria to be awarded. Like it or not, that’s the way it is and you would do your own future children lots of good if you work to eliminate this trophy practice.

You have seen things on the internet that were way too mature for your eyes and try not to let this scar your future relationships. Whether you are male or female, you have to treat people with respect in order to get that third or second date. Don’t be afraid to hold a door open for a woman, young men. If she gets offended, she just might not be the right one for you. Chivalry is an important part of finding the right partner and don’t let our current society talk you out of it. Your table manners really matter. Practice them right now if you haven’t before and learn how to set a table and when to use a salad fork. There will always be something very attractive about well-mannered people.

You have been unfairly judged by test scores more than any generation before you. Your success will be directly correlated to how hard you work and well you treat the people you work with. Yes, you will need to read or write but don’t think that your Map Testing scores from 6th grade are going to ever play a role in your future. They aren’t. You will now be placed according to your common sense, work ethic, and overall personality instead of some number on paper. The faster you figure this out the more likely you are to succeed.

Even though adults have told you how amazing you are your entire life, the faster you accept that you are just like everyone else the better things will go for you. You can prevent tremendous amounts of future anxiety and social blunders if you treat everyone equally and also don’t expect the world to bow down to your amazing self. You are just a person with strengths and weaknesses like everyone else. Nobody owes you anything and you do not deserve a certain lifestyle or car or house. You will have to work hard for those things no matter how amazing you think you are.

If your over-bearing parents try to step in and tell your future employers or college professors how to treat you, do everyone a favor and say no the first time it comes up. Your parents may have unfortunately been such good friends with you for so long that they can’t stand to see you suffer. It’s ok if you suffer a little bit and it’s ok to tell your parents that you are an adult and you don’t need their intervention. The faster you become independent from them the better you will feel about yourself. But you should still call them and say hello and I love you from time to time. They worked hard to get you this far.

And finally, to those really smart graduates who didn’t enjoy high school because they weren’t in the “cool” crowd, I have excellent news for you. Those people that thought they were better than you and even made you feel small are about to start the journey to their 10 year high school reunion. When they arrive, they are going to look a little weathered and you are going to look sharp. You “nerds” as they called you, will be the future doctors, lawyers, scientists, and accountants that will make this world go around. The “proud” crowd will be working for you and high school was the time they peaked in life. You don’t want to peak at 18. Shoot for 40 or even 50! Your hard work and studying will pay off in a way that will have made all those awkward years of high school well worth it. Plus, you are the ones that gave the graduation speeches and ran off with all of the scholarship money.

Good luck to all of you. You have a little bit to overcome from the things that existed when you were born, but it can be done. I’m counting on you as there are too many baby boomers to take care of and we need your help. I’ve given up on most of the 25-30 year olds so I’m holding out hope for you.

Difficult to Find Solutions When You Can’t Identify the Problem

CourtneyOJune 4, 2014Comments OffBlog

Social media sites and the news are blasted with the tragic story out of Santa Barbara. Our country has endured another senseless slaughter of six innocent people by a lone gunman who decided that others should die that day. Some of his victims knew him and others only saw him for a split second as he carelessly fired a semi-automatic weapon instantly killing complete strangers and changing the lives of their families and friends forever.

The news is mostly focused on gun control. It always is when these things happen. For a couple of weeks, the two opposing sides are going to fight about gun control and background checks and then the conversation will eventually quiet down until it is mostly gone again – until the next shooting. And so it goes. A horrific problem in our country and we all know that nothing is going to change at all. We only get really upset right when the shootings occur but nobody seems to want to discuss real solutions.

When I first hear about these shootings, my mind automatically goes to a young man in his early 20’s. I don’t even have to wait for them to identify the shooter. There is a long list growing of teenage boys and men in their young 20’s tied to these rampages, and we can’t solve anything if we are only going to focus on the guns. We have to look so much further into how our society has evolved and also closely examine the lives of each shooter. The Santa Barbara killer had recorded videos of himself discussing why he was going to slaughter his victims. He had a deep hatred towards women whom he felt had shunned him throughout his life. Although just two of his victims were women, his idea about relationships revolved heavily around sex and not companionship, and domination instead of partnership.

Most people would agree that these killers are all mentally ill. They are suffering from something most of us can’t understand but when we throw them into today’s modern technology and parenting style, we have to wonder how we can possibly stop these crimes. Children are being handed electronic devices from the age of two and most of them have access to the internet. The ability to seek out inappropriate information is far too easy no matter how many blocks parents use. Most parents start taking their children to violent movies before they even start kindergarten with the misperception that children can distinguish fantasy from reality (even though they still believe in Santa Clause). By the time boys are in elementary school, most of them are playing violent video games for hours each day and the action looks real. They are accustomed to seeing so much death and destruction that by the time they reach high school, they are numb to the reality of what they are seeing on the screen. The ability to gain access to pornography is simple and it’s almost impossible for parents to stop. This isn’t just an old Playboy magazine to look at but rather graphic and sometimes violent acts that children can watch with a simple Google search.
None of us know if our children will suffer from mental illness when they are older, but from the moment they are born, we have to protect them from ever ending up on the trigger side of these guns. We have to start by keeping electronics out of their hands at young ages so that they don’t develop an addiction to the technology. This requires active parenting and not having an easy out by placing an iPad in front of your kid every time they are bored. We have to stand strong and keep their television and movie viewing age appropriate until they are long past the age of believing in the Tooth Fairy or the Easter bunny. We have to resist giving them fancy phones with internet access that will allow them to look at anything they are curious about when they are too young to understand love and companionship versus sex and pornography. We have to be the one parent who won’t allow our middle school aged son to play violent video games no matter how many times they ask for it.

If your child does end up with some type of mental illness or is the victim of bullying, don’t you feel like they have a better shot at getting through it if they have had limitations to what they are seeing and feeling at these younger ages? Every shooter in the past few years had a history of spending hours on violent games and of course had access to guns. As for those guns, I was fortunate to be raised in a home that didn’t even allow cap guns. My children have been raised in the same fashion. We have been anti-violence and it has worked for us. I understand people want to own guns for protection or for hunting, but I don’t believe anybody can make a strong argument for why a 22 year old male needs three semi-automatic handguns in his possession. Something is wrong with our society when that is right. The guns are often compared to cars and the argument is made that the car doesn’t kill someone in an accident just like the gun isn’t responsible for the murder. For those that like that analogy, take a look at what a teenager has to go through to earn the right to operate a car and compare it to what an individual has to go through to hold a lethal weapon in their hand. This isn’t the weapon that existed when the 2nd amendment was passed – this is a gun with a magazine capable of mowing down an entire sidewalk of people in seconds. We all have to accept that rapidly changing technology requires new discipline and possibly updating the rules whether we are referring to guns, computers, cell phones or social media.

With the violent media that is so easily accessed in our country, we need to do more to protect our children from being on either side of that weapon. We have to work to prevent a violent mindset throughout their lives and then come to the table united to talk about what type of weapons really should be available for daily use. We have to discuss the real problems before we will ever find any solutions. Right now, we have six more families going through unfathomable grief and a seventh family that is left feeling loss, grief, despair, and guilt trying to figure out how they could have prevented what happened. All I am hearing is blame and all I am seeing is finger pointing at certain groups when the reality is that this problem starts the moment a child is born. We all are partly responsible for what happened in Santa Barbara and what will happen again in some other city far too soon. We can’t stop all of these crimes from occurring, but we can start talking about how to reduce them one by one.